Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work

May 10th, 2009

Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work

By MICKEY MEECE
New York Times
May 10, 2009

YELLING, scheming and sabotaging: all are tell-tale signs that a bully is at work, laying traps for employees at every pass.

During this downturn, as stress levels rise, workplace researchers say, bullies are likely to sharpen their elbows and ratchet up their attacks.

It’s probably no surprise that most of these bullies are men, as a survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute, an advocacy group, makes clear. But a good 40 percent of bullies are women. And at least the male bullies take an egalitarian approach, mowing down men and women pretty much in equal measure. The women appear to prefer their own kind, choosing other women as targets more than 70 percent of the time.

In the name of Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem, what is going on here?

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Tags: NY Times, WBI-Zogby, woman-on-, women bullies, women targets

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Noelle Ibrahim

Female on male bullying is probably more difficult to effect, given stereotypes and power imbalances in our society – even if the male is the subordinate, there are probably counter-balancing pressures in this case, taking away some of the inequality. Bullies do what they can to hurt others and take the easy way – so women target other women.
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paul

I’ve seen the effects of bullies in the workplace for years in both and toward both genders. In one case a particularly brutal bully caused the death of a young co-worker but ended up piously “consoling” the deceased boys parents as if he’d been his best friend rather than the source of torment. The human species can show some amazingly ulgy and savage traits, they seem to be in all of us at one time or another, hate, rage, lack of compassion, uck! Seems like the only things that can truely elevate us is education and self-awareness. Glad these folks are writing on this subject.
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ana maria

Hello, thankyou for your support, God bless all and I offer my help if you ask me for. I am so stress about my situation at work, it doesnt end at all and certainly are women in power who does and practice this disguisting behaviour. We all are employees and we all for high or small that the position is, we got the same rigts and not a big or less job make us more important or allow us to play dirty games on other women.

That other women tomorrow can be someone elses mother, daugther, sister, friend or her self, however, rigt now is me.

They are using all their power to do anything that they can to make resign, or give up, or put me down and I am doing anything in my human power to survive physical, emotionaly spiritualy and financialy and I know that God and the Angels are with me and keep me going.

God bless all and forgive us
- Jeer
  
  Hi Ann Marie!
  
  I know exactly how you feel. I,too, am constantly under attack by fellow co-workers ( 97% women). I’m in sales so there’s a certain amount of cut throat anyway, in this enviroent, but women seem to take it to the extreme. They are bery catty and petty. It’s truly ugly, disgusting and hurtful behavior but I still try to do my job to the best of my ability–which makes them come under attack even more. They would like nothing better than to see me gone. I have a medical condition that this additional stress and anxiety is wreaking havoc on. I’ll keep you in my prayers that you have the Victory, that no weapon formed against you shall prosper and that your workplace enemies will be your footstool and that they’ll unknowingly cause you GREAT success!
Colleen

I work in advertising and have been the victim of two women – both incredibly adept bullies. There were alarming similarities between the two women. Neither of them had a college degree or were in any way qualified for the position of CFO of their respective ad agencies – a position both of them held. They had started as secretaries and maneuvered their way into a top job. I suspect that they had very deep insecurities in addition to wanting to control the entire agency.
- Maya
  
  Colleen,
  
  Most women bullies are dummies, unattractive, and hate themselves.
  And then you or I walk into the office who possess warmth, we’re approachable, nice, great personality, attractive, creative, smart and productive.
  
  Women bullies target their prey (other women) throughout the whole hiring and employment process because they can, and will get away with it if “we” allow it.
  
  I lost my last position because of her, but it created another position going after her. I don’t care how long it takes.
  
  Doing something about it:
  
  Contact your legislators and advocates: It’s a process, but do it, today, immediately.
  
  Get the process going….NOW!!!!
  
  The bullying does not stop; more importantly, the bullies are mental idiots with mental illnesses who continues to bully others (great women).
  
  Maya
  - IcedGreenTea
    
    Maya, this is one of the best summaries I’ve read. It describes my bully and me perfectly.
Anon

Wow, this is one of those issues you don’t really know exists until you read about it. Why would anyone want to bully anyone else at work? You would think everyone would want to get along to make the time pass faster.
Michelle

I am currently being bullied by a fellow co-worker. It is unbearable. She and 2 other women have made my life at work AND at home a living hell since the day I started working there. There are too many instances to count…but I can tell you not a day goes by that at least one of them makes me feel inadequate, left out, singled out, isolated, alone, helpless, violated, infringed upon, miserable, and sad. These are only a few of the emotions I go thru on a daily basis. I have already called the government established concernline and after 1-2 weeks have had the bullying return full force yet more subtle. Just as an example: yesterday the bullies ordered food to be delivered at lunch …passed around the menu to all but me. Today one of the bullies was standing next to me at the counter in Dunkin Donuts…when I looked over at her to say hello she completely ignored me and looked away. I was walking out of the office thru 2 sets of doors behind the bully and her bully friend…they let the door slam in my face both times. This treatment often times worse has been going on since June 10, 2008. The day I started my job.

P.S. I work for a huge corporation, am 40 years old and have never had this happen to me before. I asked the corporate human resources manager to transfer me to another office. She has closed my case but the bullying has continued and I am still at the same job. I don’t know what to do. The bullies are now smug knowing I have gone to the highest levels and nothing except a few write ups for the bullies came of it. I fear it will escalate even more now.
- garynamie
  
  According to the bullying protocol, it will get worse. The corp, through its agent HR, and sycophant co-workers surround the wagons around her. As rough as the job market is, start looking for a safer place to work. Once higher ups refuse to help you when asked, it will never be safe for you. G. Namie
Maggie

Dear Michelle; I can so relate to your story. I work with a group of women half my age who until recently made a point of excluding me and turning me into the butt of their humour and gossip. As you say, the individual incidents are too numerous to mention but a typical scenario was the two ‘ringleaders’ giggling with two others whilst glancing over in my direction to create the idea that they’re talking about me, though I doubt they are most of the time. This kind of bullying, along with ignoring, letting doors go in your face etc, is so hard to define and any complaint is likely to brand the victim as overly-sensitive, paranoid etc.

However, the one thing which made a massive improvement in my working day, was making friends outside of the bullies’ circle. If you work for a big corporation, can you find other people to spend coffee breaks and lunch hours with? As soon as these ghastly people can see that they play no big part in your daily life, that you have far more interesting people to spend your time with and that you don’t care how they behave, your indifference will take all the fun out of bullying you.

Failing that, I think you should get out of there. No job is worth this kind of misery.

Good luck and warm wishes.
Maggie
- garynamie
  
  Maggie, This is marvelous advice. Others not associated with the bully or the mistreatment in any way (like outside family and friends, too) can re-ground you in humanity to offset the dehumanizing aspects of bullying. Another benefit of finding allies within the organization is that someone is likely to know someone who does not consider your bully indispensable and outranks her or him. That may lead you to an executive who would punish the bully upon learning about the undermining and destruction caused by the bully. Gary Namie
admin

Thank you everyone for continuing this discussion. Unfortunately the discussion has been sidetracked to the physical appearance or the bully or target. Typically its the targets skills that pose the greatest threat, not their appearance.
- Jeer
  
  Admin sometimes it’s both skill and physical appearance. If you’re intelligent, tall, thin, attractive, well-dressed, articulate, happy and do good work–you’re a moving bullseye! Trust me in that. . .
Kathryn

Oh my goodness, I bet this one gives you pause and I’ll shorten it as best I can: I am 61 yo and was going to a local non-profit women’s center for counseling, etc, re my abusive home environment and decided to volunteer my time and talent to the center. Killing two birds with one stone, I could get out of the house and get advice at the same time without my husband being the wiser. My first day, within 3 hours, the volunteer coordinator chastised me in public over ‘nothing’. I addressed her outburst the next time I went to the center, in private, and she said, “that’s just the way I am, just ask any volunteer”. Oh, yeah. I told her among other things, that her behavior was unacceptable and she had not only embarassed herself but also the center. We had an ‘understanding’. Four months later, the Board of Directors held a surprise eval of the Exec Director and ‘forced’ her to resign. I was unaware this had happened when the vol coordinator called me and asked me to bring my computer in my next day to work because they wanted to put something on it. I was elated because I had been working closely with the ED on reorganizing the center’s accounting, policies, etc. and thought they would update my MS Office. When I got there, I was pulled into the boardroom and quizzed about what was on my computer, what passwords I knew, etc. I was furious for being lied to on behalf of the BOD and wrote the President an email telling her so along with the prior incident with the vol coordinator. I also offered a temporary solution to take myself out of the line of fire in the emailuntil a new ED was aboard. The BOD ignored my solution and fired me as a volunteer. Their personnel policy states, ” reasons for termination include abuse to clients and visitors” and the vol coordinator is still there. The support services person who was ‘counseling me for abuse’ was the one who fired me by phone. I asked for a letter and it came signed by both her and the bully. The center does not fire volunteers, they generally just fade away and new ones come along but the Exec Director told me later others have left because of the vol coordinator.

Apparently the lying incident just pushed me over the edge as my physical and mental health deteriorated immediately – headaches, sleeplessness, crying, sadness, broken tooth a week later (est dental bill $2300 for crown and night guard), I had an ear infection for 6 weeks through 3 full courses of antibiotics and am scheduled for appts with an ENT and cardiologist (echogram, stress test) lab work including cortisol – I’m a mess. I didn’t expect to react to this so strongly. Oh, and the abuse at home got worse and now includes taunting because I was fired.

I have found there are no laws (NC) to protect non-profit volunteers under any circumstances who work for the various agencies which just seems so terribly wrong. How can it be that volunteers are at the mercy of these agencies? There should be some recourse when we give of ourselves so freely and trustingly.
- Dr. Gary Namie
  
  Kathryn, It does sicken us when the employer exists to ostensibly counsel women trying to escape abusive homes. But to add insult to injury is the mistreatment of volunteers. The Board should be shamed for allowing precious resources like you to be harmed. A letter to the editor and calling the employers where the Board members work should suffice. In other words tell the public that a women’s center can be a dangerous place to seek counseling. How can the one who fired you sleep at night? GN
Cindy

Like so many of the others posting, I was the victim of a workplace bully (my immediate supervisor). Their stories are so like mine: the underhandedness, blantantly ignoring me, setting me up for failure. The other lady that worked with us was young and popular. The supervisor wanted to be her friend. She allowed her to come in 20 minutes late everyday and not be docked and falsified her time sheet to reflect her coming in at the scheduled time. Unfortunately, I was terminated because of this supervisor’s actions. She was able to lie and manipulate our boss (who was a high ranking official) and get me out the door which I had been told was her goal. I was (and still am)so devastated especially since I have not been able to find employment. I still cry when I think about it. All because she was afraid I would take her job. Seriously, (other than being tortured with her bullying)I was happy in my own little cubby. About three months before I was terminated, I started looking for another job, but was unable to find one. What is wrong with these people? I spoke with an attorney who said that our state was an at will state and a person could be terminated for anything. But what happens when it is deliberate sabotage? Nothing. This person is still working. We need to ask our politicians to demand laws to protect employees from bullying. There are laws against intimidation, but they are not eager to enforce it.
- Dr. Gary Namie
  
  Cindy, Of course there must be a law. Since 2001, WBI has been working on a state-by-state legislative campaign. The first state to introduce our anti-bullying Healthy Workplace Bill was California in 2003. Since then, 16 states have introduced some version of our bill. We have Coordinators in 28 states. In 2010, there will be much activity. Track progress, and more important, join the WBI-Legislative Campaign, at the revised website (to be launched Dec 7.) http://healthyworkplacebill.org. GN
Joann

Hi,
I just resigned my job as an HR assistant because of my boss being a bully. Too many e-mails sent to me even though her desk is a few feet away from mine. A lot of verbal abuse, and threatening e-mails. Unfortunately, I did not have an HR dept to complain to because her boss has been friend with her for 10 years and has been pretty much covering for her from previous HR assistant that have left in the past. I lasted 3 years. Help…
- sheryl
  
  yes i understand its ashame and im sorry for that my situation was the same my manager new my supervisor and my only other coworker was my mangers best friend..sometimes i would not even wear makeup because i thought that way they would not notice me more to pick on me..ive tried going to attorney but no laws on that.im currently looking and searching on maybe starting somewhere where we can be heard..stay strong!!!!!
Betty

I too have been bullied by other women in the workplace. In fact, I’ve run into this at all of the companies I’ve worked for. Three companies it was my immediate supervisor who was undermining and either set me up to fail or tried to hold me back. The current company has been great (I’ve been there over 10 years working mostly with men) until recently when I went to a shortened work-day (with the company’s permission as well as a cut in pay and raise in benefit costs..so the part-time schedule isn’t without its sacrifices)to spend more quality time with my young family. I was moved to a new department where, once again, my immediate supervisor is a woman, and many of my co-workers are women. I mind my own business and do my work since I’m not there for a full day. But again, I’m ignored, feel like information is deliberately withheld from me and I feel as tho others spy on me during the day as I constantly catch them looking into my cube and at my computer screen. After 20 years of working in the corporate world and dealing with women bullying other women. I’ve had it!
Lynn

I like Michelle am being bullied by 2 co-workers. I didn’t realize it at first because they are a “clique”. I have been at the job for 4 months. The behaviors that I have experienced are being ostrasized,my ideas minimized, excluded from outside social activities. Nothing direct. I finally went to my office manager. I at first went to her not wanting her to do anything because I thought their behavior would get worse, I just needed to vent. Now I have had it. I am ready to have a nervous breakdown. My office manager has been wonderful and will be dealing with the situation. I am terrified as I think the treatment will only get worse. She said to trust her and to let her handle this. She said she would be discreet, but would be repremanding them to the fullest extent. She said I have a right to feel safe in my work environment including not being terrified of the 2 B’s. I guess my other ace in the hole is the fact that people I do work for have also noticed this and have gone to my manager to report their behavior. I just hope this ends. She also told me that she would eventually be removing one of them from our area and putting them somewhere else to “break” the clique.
- Dr. Gary Namie
  
  Lynn, The responsible manager stepping up and stopping the destructive clique is the key. She is very rare. All of them tell you to trust them, but she does seem to deserve your trust. Please ask her for us why she took action. Tell her to contact me to write a guest blog from the manager’s perspective about how to do the right thing. GN
sheryl

Hi ive been looking for some place to share my story.it happened 4 years ago til this date. the manager i had to begin with always told me she was harder on me because she saw potential and i believed it. til one day she poked me so hard because she thought i didnt do somthing she left a bruise.everytime i aksked a ? To my other coworkers they would nod i dont know and turned around.they made one of my coworkers manager afte r that.she did not understand english very well so everytime i said something she thought i was offending her.then they hired her best friend everything went down i suffered so much my husband would sit with my while i cried about things they would put me thru.til finally they fired me…. I needed work and there should be a law against this it damages you mentally…..
Sarah

I have worked for a couple of well known international Investment Banks in the last 6 years in London (I am British) and I am baffled by their attitude towards women (ok one positive it is harder to sexual harass someone). Don’t get me wrong bullying in the workplace happens everywhere in UK as well whether it be working for local authorities or national services, or the private sector. We constantly read cases in the news these days as it is a very popular subject. I myself have just switched roles and no longer want to continue to working within the banks; not because of the workload (I enjoy my job) or the pressure to achieve results but simply because of the strange attitude towards attractive women with personalities generally. Walk into the bank without good connections and god forbid you take care of your appearance (you don’t have to look like a model) and its a free for all. Mostly from other women. Which personally I find strange as we see through your media (and through visiting the US) we are bombarded with images of well groomed positive, confident women.
I came out of my last job (which I left after 6 months) because I spent most of the time being ostracised by the other females in my team (Both at administrative level) for crimes that I have no idea that I committed. One women was in her 40s, the other in her 30s (both Brits) seemed hell bent on driving me out of there. What made it hard was that they were so popular with the more senior people. They could do no wrong. Just day after day of aggression, chilish antics like leaving me out when they disappeared to lunch, sneering, commenting on what I was wearing (mainly straight ordinary dresses you can buy in the highstreet ), worked out, had long hair, whatever, deliberate misunderstandings of things I might have said. I tried (you know how you do) , believe me I tried to get along with them without changing myself but forget it, you won’t win, you end up even more unpopular and it leaves you lonely and miserable. No sympathy from the men even though I had some excellent reviews for my work. In the end they join in. They start to call you arrogant, moody, miserable, up herself. It is exhausting and you leave. But what kind of people/management actually think that this is productive behaviour? Because you can blame the people who did it to you but lets face it, if they were in an environment that didn’t tolerate this kind of behaviour they wouldn’t get away with it. Should i let myself go just to fit in?! I have had this happen to me before and heard of it happening to other women. Thankfully I am now in an environment with what appear to be a really nice bunch of women/men who have fun, laugh, look after their appearance without glaring at each other and it is dare I say it not just something allowed at the very top of the hierachy.
n

I am currently being bullied at work by my coworkers. This coworker is a thief but has pushed herself to the boss. Now the whole group of coworkers her friend talk bad about me at every turn and not only that the boss who seems nice to me, even knowing she is my enemy has promopted her. It is miserable there. Another thing is she really hates the boss but is all sweetness and light in front of him. I am his real friend but he doesn’t see anything.
Anon

I have been bullied by the group of women I work with and it’s been going on for years. One finally left after many years; I was never so relieved! She controlled the entire office; no one would stand up against her, they just did whatever she wanted. Even when she left she continued the smear campaign against me, as my supervisor has spewed hateful things towards me that sound like they came directly out of the bully’s mouth. I should mention my supervisor has also joined in before, yelling at me in public, berating me, taking my ideas as her own. I’ve paid a heavy price for working here, but I also realized along ago nothing would ever change because the department head has her head in the sand (or another major orifice). I’ve had people in other departments whom I didn’t even know come up to me and make comments that made me realize they knew what was going on (it gets around, but the bullies do not seem to care) and advising me to get out. Honestly I can’t stand the women (and I use that term loosely) that I work with; I’ve caught them in so much underhanded crap, not to mention the lousy behavior towards me, which they seem to blame on “hormones” or “that’s just the way I am.” Hah! I used to hate to think women acted in this stereotypical way, and yet I find that more often than not it’s true, based on the office I work in; every negative stereotype is true! You’d think they’d have better things to do; apparently not. What a waste they are, and what a price I have paid.
Lisa

I am new in my workplace and was initially hired to become a manager. Things were going fine until one day the owner introduced me to someone and stated “we have BIG plans for Lisa”, in front of the employee I am having problems with. Ever since then this work place bully has been out to get me. She is not my supervisor but to my face she claims to be. She and I are supposed to be CO-workers. She places demands on me that she doesn’t even complete. She interferes with my break times. She has even gone so far as to demand my “work attention” when I have been off the clock and in the office waiting to leave. She has turned fellow co-workers against me, I walk in to whispers and snickering. These co-workers don’t even know me. Whatever happened to the “BIG” plans they had for me have now changed. She managed to ruin that too. Since she has worked there longer than me, I believe they trust in what she is saying. She is nothing short than an evil jealous co-worker, that obviously falls short of herself in her own mind or she wouldn’t be doing this.
I got hurt at work and she kept trying to convince me to say that it was another co-workers fault. Wow.
She has other employees “spying” on me when she isn’t there so that she always knows what is going on. Reason I know this is because of things she has said that took place when she wasn’t even there. They weren’t even bad things, but somehow she knew of them.
I went to upper management and even the owner and told them they need to get her to stop. They claim they have talked with her, but this situation with her still goes on.
I will stay there as long as I can and then file a lawsuit if it doesn’t stop. NO ONE should be treated like this.
Workplace bullying AND hostile work environment. I am so sick of it and I am starting to hate my job that I once loved.
Milli

I had a female supervisor, Witch on wheels that one. I out performed her quota for me and adheared to every rule. I built my program so well she could not attack me. If I went to talk with her, I had an email to her to back up what we discussed. My yearly review was a pack of lies and I wrote a rebuttal which is in my file and refused to sign the review. A New director came in and dumped her on her lying little bottom. I am still with my department and everyone is relieved and happy she went down the road.
June

I too am being bullied. I am in an HR dept and I can tell you after 20 years in HR, HR is the culprit. My current boss is a bully (Male) and has set up an environment of bullying and backstabbing. There is a woman in our office who is very jealous of me and started a smear campaign against me even turning friends that I have been close to for years against me. People who I have helped in the past have turned their backs on me due to this woman. It is a very bad feeling of isolation, bewilderment and not nowing what to do. I feel that years of hard work and a good reputation have been ruined by this woman and her clicque. This group seems to be growing and gaining more momentum and I have no recourse. It is a devastating experience.
- Autumn1717
  
  This is very sad and isolating. It’s of no comfort to realize that this happens almost everywhere. I just started a new job and the administrative assistant is very cold to me. One day, as I was sitting taking the required tests on the computer, I said “HI” as she walked by. She was agitated and stated that she doesn’t have any time to talk, she’s too busy. I’ve been told by other staff that she’s very hard to warm up to and that she takes her time to decide if she likes you or not. Oh boy, I don’t have the energy to care if she does or not! She seems miserable, but I’ve worked very hard to finally have a position that I love and I won’t let her jeopardize it. Jealousy is rampant, especially with women. I wish I had a solution for you, you’ve been through the ringer. Keep your head high and try to realize it is their loss to exclude you . Also know that they are more than likely jealous and feel threatened by you .Your “friends” would be friends no matter what if they had really been friends to begin with. Mature people understand your challenges. Remember you are whole and complete just as you are and are loved completely by your higher power. Hope this helps.