May 20th, 2009
Woman-on-Woman Bullying
Six explanations from us for why women bully other women at work.
Solidarity of the sisterhood is a myth and stereotype. It doesn’t mean it does not exist, it’s just that not all women are nurturant and supportive to one another. Neither is every man macho and hyper-aggressive. Stereotypes are generalizations about sex-role-typed behavior, common acts associated with only one gender and not the other. Many behaviors are gender-typed.
Workplace Bullying is not gender-typed. Workplace environment factors are better predictors than gender. For example, a culture that carries no accountability or negative consequences, regardless of how harmful the behavior exhibited paves the way for bullies. A place where kissing-up (ingratiation) is the norm is fertile territory, where bullying and favoritism (and its converse, ostracism) thrive.
When we discuss the WBI Healthy Workplace Bill, we speak of “status-blind” harassment. Bullying crosses the boundaries drawn by gender, race, ethnicity, age, and disability. Thus bullying is truly “gender-free.”
What attracts the media to woman-on-woman (WOW) bullying is the fact that women are targeted at a higher rate by female bullies (71%) than by male bullies (46%). Yes, women are crueler to women than they are to men, and that must be explained. But don’t forget that 60% of all bullies are men. 31% of all bullying is men-on-men, 29% is WOW. Why is there so little interest in the more frequent variety of same-gender bullying? Because it’s discounted as routine, expected, predictable. WOW sounds mysterious, counterintuitive, and, I think, somewhat prurient.
So here are some explanations for WOW bullying that rarely make it into TV segments on bullying, print stories and the gabfest which is the blogosphere. We offer this because some readers might get the impression that we are misogynists. We are not! 57% of all bullied targets are women, and the majority of callers seeking help from us are women. We are women’s advocates in the fight against workplace bullying.
The WBI starter list of explanations
A. It’s the workplace, not the people in it. Employers create work environments where aggression is rewarded. women see this (as well if not better than men) and learn to abuse others to get ahead. It’s the way things are done around here.
In male-dominated organizations, where men hold all the executive positions, women tend to adopt male-sex-typed behavior to survive and succeed. Only in female-run organizations (or those run by males who adopt a female-sex-typed style that values quality of interpersonal relationships as much as power and status differences) can there be hope for a less aggressive, more dignified and respectful way to operate.
See the Women and Bullying articles in our Research section for relevant studies about this particular angle.
B. A double standard about women is alive and well and practiced by both men and women. If women are “nice” they are too soft. If they are tough, they are “bitchy.” There are two social psychological explanations for this.
First, it is gender bias in the causal attribution process. Causal attribution is simply showing a preference for explaining things that happen. Old research found that if a person is described succeeding at a task, the explanation depends on whether the person described is male or female. Success for men is typically explained by a trait, inherent skill, intelligence, ability. With exactly the same information, when it’s a woman, success is the result of the task being so easy anyone could have done it or luck. And both men and women elect those different explanations.
Second, the first person to break any barrier and be the lone representative of a group (and therefore, be in the statistical minority) is called a “token.” Tokens are subjected to disproportionate pressure. Errors, however tiny, are magnified. Successes can also be blown out of proportion. In practice, token individuals often break from the pressure. Look at what Jackie Robinson had to endure when he broke the race barrier in the white baseball league. Same for the first woman CEO or the first woman to attain a high rank in any organization. Women are natural tokens in male-dominated domains, like business. Men are rarely the only male in any role, but when they are, they, too are tokens and heavily scrutinized.
C. Women targets are less likely to confront in response to being bullied. But targets, of both genders, rarely react with aggression. That’s what makes them targets. Bullies sense who will be an easier mark. Targets are sorted into those who take no action because of a higher moral calling. It could be their religion that tells them to turn the other cheek or to never lower oneself to the level of a tyrant. Other targets walk away in fear, stunned at the surprise attack. Getting away is the only reaction they have. Once away, they hope time will heal the wound or prevent it from happening again. Regardless of motive, targets do not defend themselves because either they are unable (it’s not their worldview and never acquired the skill of self-defense because it’s a fair world, no one will hurt you) or unwilling to do so. Targets are all “easy marks.” It’s not just women.
D. Most bullies are bosses (in the US, 72% of bullies are bosses). All bullies prefer to bully subordinates. It’s a permitted prerogative that makes being a boss attractive to many people. So, bullying flows downhill.
Women are bosses, too. But they are lower-ranking than men bosses (only 15% of executives are women, only 3% of CEOs). So they are more likely managing other women and not other men executives. They bully whoever they can. So, WOW may be nothing more than proximity at work. You bully those within reach.
E. Though I’m not a woman, I’ve had a great deal to do with them during my lifetime (and Ruth educates me constantly). (She says that) women are socialized to judge other girls while growing up. They pay attention to how others look and dress all the time. Self-identity can be almost entirely dependent on how others appear and how they are judged by others. Without comparisons to others, some would not know how to make decisions.
Two factors emerge. First, modeling one’s personal behavior on the actions of others gives a great deal of power to the other person. Clearly in WOW relationships where apparent friendship preceded bullying, the bully may have been respected by the future target. When she is betrayed, the target ruminates (for way too long) about the inexplicable turnaround, searching for a rational explanation. It doesn’t matter, it just happened because the bully wanted it to. Wanting to be like someone else gives away too much personal control over one’s own life and choices made.
Second, the skill of paying attention since childhood determines the adult woman’s perceptual field. Other women are salient in the social world. More information is gleaned from cultivating relationships with women. Abusive, exploitative relationships with one person dominating the other is simply a twisted, sick reliance upon getting information from another woman (to then be used against her). Targets fall into the trap easily.
F. Feminist writers claim that women grow up accustomed to having their personal boundaries invaded and thus learn to treat other women that same way. A girl’s opinions are treated as irrelevant by the father compared to her brother’s. A girl’s ambitions are tamped down, expectations made more “realistic,” dreams treated as impossible. This is denial of her very psychological integrity, a discounting of her humanity. If this is how she is raised, she grows accustomed to being treated rudely or denigrated as not deserving equal status with others. So, when bullied at work, the immediate reaction is rarely outrage and righteous indignation that a fool would dare lie so readily or be so unapologetically cruel. It is more likely a timid turing away, starting immediately to blame herself, buying into the lies (as if some “kernel of truth” is buried in all the manure), and spiraling into a psychologically compromised state.
Read Phyllis Chesler’s Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman in the Recommended Books section.
So, there’s my preliminary thinking about the topic. Do you see why reporters can’t handle all this information?
Women: share your favorite explanation for WOW bullying by adding a comment. We want to see lots of input from you, the experts.
Tags: attribution theory, woman-on-woman, women bullies, women targets
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 20th, 2009 at 3:24 pm and is filed under Bullying Tutorials, Science, Social Justice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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I have most often seen the women bully’s selecting the workers with higher degrees of ethics and competence in their jobs as the targets. I attribute that to their irritation that the position they hold as 60% social and 40% satisfaction is threatened and they will have to rise to meet the elevated bar. They hate having a new dynamo coming in and stealing their thunder, especially if they can’t pull the person into their confidence to collect amunition to use against them.
It’s a shame that there are still many of us on welfare being supported by the government because we have been frequently abused by supervisors or coworkers. Some us can’t keep jobs because abuse is perpetuative. They are ignoring this problem. Many of us are in disadvantaged situations and finally get into employment only to be targeted and harassed back out. Potential employers take a look at our “new job every 6 months” resume and just won’t hire us as if these problems are being caused by us. As women we all face a certain level of the same challenges…it’s why we have EEOC laws. Are the ladies of today forgetting history? Or have some of us fallen in to the same mindset of the men that we had to convince to change to get more equality in our work environments. I see emotional battering of women that have already been emotionally and physically battered in their own homes by their husbands. It’s abuse upon abuse. I see women behaving in the same narcissistic “I need a raise, so I’ll have to make sure she doesn’t by sabotaging her work” . . . I see children shooting their schoolmates, military personnel shooting other military personnel, regular everyday people pulling out artillery on former coworkers and family members. The WBI bill is something that if everyone had access to understood and abided by, it would heal and transform so many situations beyond just workplace abuse. It is a bill that is necessary for some of us to work. period.
I thank you for writing this. I thought I was the only one that was going through this. My family looks at me like I’m a failure not knowing how hard it is to fight in the workplace. I have nothing to show for the hard work that I have done to the point where my health has suffered tremendously causing debt. I have lost friendships, I’m on the verge of losing my relationship if I quit again. But that creates a double standard for me when I do re-establish income. I feel more helpless when I’m working than when I’m not.
Jade,
Hang in there, don’t let the jealous “witches” get you down. It’s all about jealousy of the individuals that are smart.
Dear Jade,
Yes, hang in there. I have been bullied for two yrs. by my Mgr. I consider myself a “whistleblower”, and I am currently on suspension awaiting the final outcome to see if I will be terminated, I have just contacted lawyers about my case because I believe I have a good one… I hope you have been documenting all the episodes of harassment so that you can see if you have a case… I have slight disability from a car accident(the bullying began when I returned to work) so I believe I have a case for harassment bullying, discrimination (age,gender, disability), as well as malice… I am lucky in a way because I am a 43 yr. old female with a disability, and a whistleblower and am supposed to be protected… I hope that is true!!!
Jade, hang in there. I was, and continue to be bullied, but I took my “case” to management. My department manager listened, sympathized even, but didn’t act. He just told me to list the incidents. This new year (2010) I got a new supervisor and she absolutely, positively will NOT tolerate the behavior the bully is foisting on me. My supervisor went to the bully’s manager (who is new, this year, to the bully! There is a God) and they began to document the incidents.
Yes, you begin to think you need a mental health expert and it does (and did to me) work on my physical health. But I WILL NOT let this bully wreck my career or my reputation.
I’m lucky, too, in that my husband is totally supportive and listens to my complaints. He’s a lot cheaper and more loving than a psychologist.
Sue,
I really hope your new supervisor puts your safety first and keeps the bully away. This is a success story (still in process) that is worth telling. I invite you to write this story of the heroic, bold supv. GN
Dear Jadé -
I lost my job as Information Mgr in the law department of a large corporation after returning from a leave I took for breast cancer treatment. Suddenly, the world changed. I was made to report to a female lawyer and she steadily harassed me from the very day that she took over.
In an investigation by outside counsel, and ever since, she claimed that I got along with men better than with women, since I could twist them around my finger. (I am long past my 20s.) If this is not jealousy, I don’t know what it is. I mean, I had good friends among the men in the dept,, simply because most lawyers were male. After harrowing times, I left a job I had loved for almost 20 years, lost my career and am still out of work, in the worst economy in our times.
“after returning from a leave I took for breast cancer treatment” This happens so often — the cowardly bullies target people when most vulnerable. Wonder how they would take it if roles were reversed. That woman lawyer would have been the first to cry for help. These clowns pick fights when the target can’t fight back. The ones she did manage to get along with must have been senior partners (probably male) so that she’s still there and you’re not. So sorry for your plight. GN
I have experienced this many times over the years. I had a supervisor who bullied me and several other women in the office. I witnessed her shaking her finger in the face of another female staff person. When I confronted her about what she did she spread lies to the owners of the business. I left after that as I knew I would never get a promotion after that.
I worked in county Human Services Agency where another worker who was in tight with the Director and the supervisor sabatoged my work and cost me my position, because she wanted a friend to get the job I had. She said derogatory things about me to the Director in front of other staff. She made work I did disappear and then reported me for not doing my work or not doing it correcly. I was not the only one she did this to. She cause another person to leave and almost cost the job of the person who replaced the one who left.
I am now a supervisor in a County Agency in another county and I work with 4 women, 3 of which have bullied me for 7 years. I refuse to allow them to make me leave. It has been tempting at times, but I am not a quitter anymore. One even told me she was waiting for me to leave so she could have my job.
Go Figure. You would think women would be nicer to each other. It is all about power for them.
I worked at a company that treated me like this also. I had returned to school and it was common for this unit to harass newcomers to the point that they would leave so that one of their “friends could get employment there. I ironically turned to HR, thinking that I had some type of support. It was one of the worst mistakes I could do, because they would report to them everything I said. Lies were invented about my work and eventually I left to got to another job. I will never forget how I was treated because it was uncalled for. It taught me to never completely show your whole hand. I have a job now that I do not have to go through these changes, it is not perfect. But I know how to protect myself now from past experiences that I learned to built on. I have predominantly always worked with women because I am a nurse. You would think that they would be the most nurturing group, but they are the opposite.
Employment at will fine but I want my money back.I was getting harrased to the point of PTSD.
overpayments on CHARGE CARDS to predetory lenders.
I had NO CONTROL OVER THIS and I am not getting screwe over by those Banks.I want my credit repaired and i still think TERRORIST are involved in this.So WHY ARE WE TARGETS GETTING SCREWED BY THE COMPANIES<COWORKERS FROM HELL AND BANKS?????
My perpetrator, from 2005-2006, was a woman. But it had very little to do with gender, and everything to do with her mean spirit (and probably sociopathic tendencies). L.P. was an equal opportunity bully who victimized men and women, able-bodied and disabled, different races and religions.
She did what predators always do–selected the one she saw as the “weakest in the pack” and would not stop, even after the victim quit or got fired. In the time I worked for her, she hounded four or five people–including me–out of their jobs.
And in my case, she made it hard for me to find another job because she gave bad references. Now that I think about it, she probably did that to the other victims.
The company eventually did get rid of her, but not before she destroyed my health and very nearly my career.
Most bullied workers are women, I think because bullies believe it’s safer, frankly, to try their tactics against someone who’s been socialized not to get overly aggressive or even violent when met with such tactics.
I think the gender of the most common target is more interesting than the gender of the bully. Women are targeted 57% of the time.
I think men bully women less frequently than they bully men because it’s too easily put into the gender discrimination or sexual harassment categories when it’s a male bully and a female target, so men are “careful” about it because they know there could be potential legal consequences. Women don’t have that discincentive when going after women.
If I had a dollar for every attorney that has expressed disappointment that my bully was female, because that makes it almost impossible to pursue a discrimination or harassment suit……………
Signed, a target whose bully was her female boss. I dug in my heels and stuck it out, only to be laid off recently along with a few percent of the company. I blame the bully’s conduct directly for the decision to lay me off, costing me over one hundred thousand dollars of deferred compensation for high performance in prior years that I became ineligible to receive the minute I was separated from the company.
whether you have brothers and sisters, or you were
raised as an only child, parents cannot be blamed
for all things. There comes a time when becoming
adult in our dealing with other people is essen-
tial. It becomes necessary to say I did this ,
because this or that was my choice. Not because
my father or mother ignored or pampered me, but,
because adult means I have grown enough as a person to do what is Right.
If any person can maltreat another person(s),
and be rewarded with increased status, then some
thing is wrong with the social structure, Not the
genders. It’s like using defective material to
make a Valentino. Nothing is wrong with the de-
sign, the fabric is poor quality.
Catherine C.
wrong with the
[...] Woman-on-Woman Bullying [...]
From my experience and observation I think the people who bully are insecure, lack real skills for the job, and bully to hide their own incompetence. I think its why they target people who are competent, secure, and skilled. Bullies fear being found out – incompetent, scared, and worried about their own inadequacies.
I think this is true from young ages in grade school to high level positions of power. If you are competent, secure, and skilled you don’t have the need to hurt others in this way.
Recently I was told by an upper level administrator that the mistake Senior VPs, CNOs in nursing make is to “get rid of anyone who is a threat to them”. A mistake made out of insecurity, rather than seeing that competent people can actually make their jobs easier.
The problem is these same VPs & CNOs continue to be hired regardless of how many places they have destroyed through their firing competent people.
Its a top down process that is ongoing and perpetuates itself in healthcare and the consequence is ultimately to the patient.
I am a secretary who has been bullied by one of my executives for the past three years. I got through it because I had the support of my supervisor who would advocate for me. When we reorganized our company, I realized that I was at risk since the bully was now in a position to fire me. At our first review (where she only set goals for future, but did not review the past), she spoke in a way that indicated she was paving the way to fire me down the road.
I agree with the above poster that about the bully lacking skills in some area. In this case, the bully is a terrible communicator, and when things are not done as she envisioned (but did not communicate), she blamed me for the faulty outcome.
Luckily, there was another position in the company that I was able to apply for, which does not report to this bully.
I was terminated from my job on 9.11.2008 because of tardiness, leaving early (not frequently), due to my daughters’ medical condition. I had been a target by my female supervisor, and by a female Director. They would constantly use my daughters’ fragile medical condition against me, threaten my job frequently, harrass me, tell my co-workers not to speak with me, put me down, set me up, etc.
I had to take two medical leaves due to the emotional stress. Financially I was hurting and unable to afford my rent and almost evicted.
I was going on ten years, and I knew my job very well and was well liked by my co-workers and patients.
I was employed at a hospital in the admitting department as a Quality Assurance Analyst.
I was even retaliated against by being transferred to work in the ER where my job title and or job description did not include duties in the ER. My supervisor and director knew that I did not like working in the ER because of the emotional toll it would take on me, since having to visit the ER many times with my own child since infancy with debilitating seizures. It would affect me emotionally to see other children hurt or suffering seizures. I was actually made to work at the bottom for which with my knowledge and expertise would not be utilized. With no offense to anyone its like being demoted from Department engineer to an entry position like a hostess or receptionist.
I did file a complaint prior to my termination and the state did file on my behalf and it is still pending.
The hospital is owned by a nationwide company who in my opinion believes that they are above the law.
Good luck to all of those who have been victims and those who still are being victimized and to fight for your right to work in a peaceful enviroment.
Elena Esquivel
Hi Elena,
I’ve experienced a bullying situation similar to yours. Are you still experiencing this abuse? Have you taken further action?
Jill
I have been the target of bullying in a state college. I made a whistle blower complaint, involved the union, and then the bullying started. The complaint was swept under the rug and I became a target; even though for more than a year I was considered a darling by my boss and those who hired me into the job. I have PTSD so it didn’t take long for me to fall apart. Going to the doctor every month and on medications. My health was declining, I ended up in the emergency room extremely distraught, and had to take two weeks off at my own expense. Even when I told them about my PTSD, they continued to be angry at me, watch me like a hawk, make unreasonable demands, and intimidated me. I was then transferred to another job where as soon as the supervisor found out about my disability, she decided that I was incompetent to do the job and she proceeded to intimidate and bully me also. I was told that there was work politics going on behind the scenes that also caused her to be even more angry at me being there. She hindered my ability to do my job by withholding communication, being extremely picky, watching me in a way that she did not watch anyone else and piling on more and more work with very little training. She compared me to non-disabled people who did not do my job, she had them write negative letters about me, and even told lies about me and my work. She hauled me and others who she did not care for into her office to scream at us so loud people could hear it outside her office with the door closed. She sexually harassed her female staff, but they were too afraid to say anything because they did not want to be retaliated against or lose their job or be subject to a bad reference if they left their job there. I saw many people be fired because she did not care for them, and others who were barely competent become her pets. I could see that she was an incompetent supervisor and incompetent to do her job. I think that I was a threat to her because I was very honest, did a good job even with my disability, and did my work in such a way that it exposed her incompetence. She had to lie to cover up that she was doing unethical and illegal things to cover her own rear-end. They drummed up excuses to suspend me and took four months to terminate me after we insisted they make a decision, I filed a grievance, and a month later they asked if they could settle with me. So I left with a settlement that cost taypayers a chunk of money. Even though administration knows about the sexual harassment, hostile workplace she created, discrimination against a person with a disability, and she withheld overtime pay from at least 30 people over the course of four years, she is still there; and this is in a state workplace.
Patty,
I would like to hear more about your situation as it is eerily similar to mine, except that I was being forced out and resigned in order to maintain my mental and physical well being. I’m trying to get a settlement and would love to hear about how you got yours.
I have most often seen the women bully’s selecting the workers with higher degrees of ethics and competence in their jobs as the targets. I attribute that to their irritation that the position they hold as 60% social and 40% satisfaction is threatened and they will have to rise to meet the elevated bar. They hate having a new dynamo coming in and stealing their thunder, especially if they can’t pull the person into their confidence to collect amunition to use against them.
My bullying started out with a coworker of lower rank and then with a higher rank manager. I found out the lower rank employee and the higher rank employee had a personal relationship(both females). I was not allowed to say anything to the lower rank employee or instruct her to do anything without been harshly reprimanded. I went to everyone in the chain of command in the company and things only got worse for me. This has been very hard for me. I have looked for jobs other places. I now have 29 years with the company but have been constantly overlooked for promotions. These people have sabotaged my career.
I think that most corporations have a culture that corrects for power imbalances between female supervisors and male subordinates such that the woman holds less power over male subordinates than she does over female subordinates. Naturally, a bully targets the `weakest` members of her team because she is more likely to get away with the abuses. So, both men and women bully and in this way the bullying is not gender specific, but women are more frequently targeted by both genders because they are more likely to get away with it.
Gary and Ruth,
We are seeing women bullies in paramilitary agencies act with physical agression. They never injure but just imtimidate. These agencies reward masculine traits that other employers wouldn’t – like physical prowess and the ability to control a prisoner. The bully doesn’t need to work in a prison to be influenced by this paradigm. . . Take Care . . Martha
I just quit from a work place where I was bullied. I didn’t realize that that was what was actually going on until after I quit actually. I started reading about bullying and found this place. The things they did towards me fit in here so well. I am glad I got out of there and that I told the owner of the place what I thought of them before I left. They sat there, saying nothing. I felt I took my power back.
Anyway, very sad that this is going on so much. This is the first time I have ever had it happen. Apparently that place bully at least one person all the time. People leave and they pick another. Sad. I feel sad for them.
I am being bullied in a government job I have held for 19 years. A few years ago my bully whispered in the bosses ear things about me which lead to a project which was the major portion of my job being given to my bully. The bully is now promoted to my boss and has taken 2/3 of my job away from me. I believe she is doing constructive dismissal in my case. The union says that management has a history of harassing employees they want to retire. It is their right. Many employees have been forced out. Our CAO is a bully and loves people just like him.
thanx a million for everything i’ve read here. i’m a former male nurse and i have suffered both bullying and sexual harassment from females in the workplace. in my experience as a male working with predominantly females the threat of termination for sexual harassment allegations is held over your head constantly and the fact that as a male your chances of a successful wrongful termination suit are very low is something i had to find out the hard way on your own. one very nice female atty. told me ‘as a male the burden of proof is on you’. be that as it may i had sexual comments made about me and had at least 3 who constantly vascilated back and forth between verbally abusing me and looking at me like they badly wanted me sexually. i had somehow navigated all these politics for 6 years until a hideously ugly female became head nurse who obviously wanted me sexually and this time verbal abuse, absurd complaints to higher-ups and threats of termination would not suffice. if she couldn’t have me then i couldn’t have my job plain and simple. at that point i was finding nursing in general to be too many hours so i walked away with a generous sverance package in exchange for not suing. later on i started working office jobs just to not spend my sverance as quickly and though the jobs were much more pleasant in general again i had a supervisor who made my life difficult simply because the only other male there was the boss who was never there. again the threat of sexual harassment is implied even if unspoken. eventually she got pregnant and quit and everything’s been fine ever since (i ended up with her job 2 years later and even the boss admitted it was a huge improvement). though these mean supervisors were all quite mean to women as well the fact of being male very very often means they can successfully run you out even for something as widely condemned as sexual harassment on the terminator’s part. men and women both behave equally badly in different ways but the real issue here is bullying and the way it’s so widely tolerated in the american workplace. i think perhaps this ultimately ‘trickles up’ in the sense that it eventually leads to corporate dishonesty and ruthlesness.
thanx for sharing everybody. nice to know you’re not alone.
Work place bullying is not just between superviors and staff. I am in a position of leadership and have experienced work place “bullying” coming from staff members, including secretaries. Always women, and always an issue of insecurity or jealousy on their parts. In the two cases I have witnessed in two law firms (yes, law firms), despite the fact that their behavior was inappropriate (comments about my attire, my looks, etc.) very little ever happens. Of course, the men in the work place will say “o’ it’s just because you’re attractive and they aren’t, you’re skinny and they are overweight.” The women will say, “yeah, she’s that way to everyone.” And yet, nothing happens and the same offenders continue to be spiteful and mean to others as well. What slays me, is as a Director in the firm, I’ve had a secretary make snide remarks about me while walking down a hallway and give me nasty looks. Finally, I sent her a diplomatic yet pointed e-mail saying we are in a professional environment, should treat each other as professionals, and that I would request she not make nasty remarks about me within earshot. No response, but I will be interested to see what happens. In some environments it would be grounds for dismissal, in a perfect world, I would fire the employee. But, alas, she is not under my supervision. I think the best defense against people that are jerks at work is to confront them in a professional manner, but head on and person to person. It takes the power out of their bullying when you stand up to them. Unfortunately, it feels like some people never matured past the envy, insecurities and jealousy of high school girls. No one believes it, but there is still a “I hate the cheerleader” mentality in the workplace where those that don’t have high self-esteem resent the women that are succeeding and or attractive.
Michelle,
I can appreciate the unfortunate consequences of your attractiveness and smarts. That’s who gets targeted. However, you were not a typical target. Most cannot defend themselves. You did. Your advice is spot on except that many others without your sense of personal power can stand up to them “head on and person to person.” And you could not teach them to do so. However, you are a role model, an exemplar of how and what to do. It might also interest you to know that one of the studies in our Research section about women and bullying did describe this conduct in a law firm.
G N
Yeah, but I stood up to the secretary (my bully) in a professional manner and ended up losing my position…demoted for reasons that supposedly have nothing to do with her but I have major suspicions since she is tight with the director. It is very frustrating since the position was a wonderful “fit” for me and now I’m back where I was before and it is not the best fit, nor do I get to use a lot of my skills or what I went to school for…plus I’m still in the middle of a toxic work environment. I wonder if I hadn’t said a word if I wouldn’t still be in my position….
Unfortunately bullying is not always recongnized by the victim(s). A small little incident happened(a comment such as “fine its wrong – mark it or fix it if you want to – I don’t care what you do” and then she will not talk to you for a few days but suddenly gets over it) and then weeks passed with nothing further but eventually the behavior escalated and by the time the victim(s) realized they are being bullied the situation has gained momentum. The bully is now secure in her position and has acquired followers. She has become bolder as management deemed the situation a personality conflict. They named and labeled her personality trait and you are supposed to honor and understand (“she is an extrovert; therefore she blurts out her thoughts and feelings. It is just her way.” “you are an introvert; therefore it bothers you, but you must understand that is her personality and you need to embrace diversity.”)
My situation has now escalated to a tag team approach with two bullies and many specatators. To make matters worse and leave me utterly hopeless I have recently found out that not only is my supervisor and one of my bullies neighbors and friends but the manager and head of human resources all live in the same neighborhood. They confirmed their friendship situation by trying to minimize and justify that the friendly behavior they show each other is confined to an occassional dinner, or letting a pet out,or picking up the mail or newspapers when one of them is on vaction or in need. Just minor little things.? I am assured that by no means are they biased……
And if that wasn’t bad enough, one of my bullies has three cousins who also work in the building in different departments. The other bully has been able to attract numerous sympathetic followers based on the fact that she was recently given a clean bill of health after being diagonsed with breast cancer at stage zero. I refused to do her work one day and she starting yelling and screaming at me that I never help anyone. Because she was screaming and yelling a manager from a different department became involved and she was talked to. The next day she confronted me, screamed in my face and preceded to list details of why every single person hates me. She was yelling at me so passionately that spit flew into my face. Now, not only am I the hated one, I have become the inhuman unfeeling monster. How is that for irony?
My situation has become ten times worse since I stood up for myself and refused to do her work. I offered to help her and even gave her pointers but I would not allow her to pawn her work off on me. My life is a nightmare – My health is suffering. I cannot sleep, my head hurts, I have had a few panic attacks, some chest pains, gained weight, and I am even losing some hair. In short miserable.
It sounds like to me that because you have a high position yourself, you would not be putting yourself in jeopardy by confronting the secretary. I am in a position that requires a license but my mgr. who oversees me in general has no license to do my job but is constantly trying to overstep the law and get too involved in my business. She comes to my dept. and asks my pts. if they have appts. and what time they are and constantly belittles me about the time I spend with pts. If I run late I am counseled about that but also if I don’t take my breaks the same thing happens. I can’t win or lose… Everything I do is suspect and wrong. She noses around my dept. My pts. realize that she is a controlling bully and I found out that her profile on the best test is basically 100%BOLD. She has no tech. skills, abilities, nor does she have any expressive positive skills, or sympathetic if you look at the test to be so rigid in one area is not good esp. for mgmt. Ideally, mgrs. should have a broad mix of all categories…
Kathleen,
Bullies are less competent in most cases. Their tactics are bluff and bravado to distract others from seeing who they really are. GN
I have heard other women say someone is jealous because of their looks. I have also had people say “you are so smart, I am intimidated”
So my questions would be to those who are mad because someone is “better” in some way: What should I do, get ugly so you will feel better? Act stupid so you won’t be intimidated?’
I mean really
I understand this is subject to moderation and it may be better if it is not posted…am taking the opportunitiy to vent. This is a bigger problem than is being addressed. I realize most recipients of bullying may not have read the literature I have had access to….and may be difficult to understand or add to the work place dread that we feel. I don’t want to make anyone feel worse than they already do…however….
This is really cool…heavy duty work gloves are on…white gloves trashed…I was working on a paper and Dr. Chesler actually responded to me, she is good. Women need to know a few other things….esp in the corporate world….altho I make no claim to having advanced academic education, my studies had guided me to scholarly academic journal articles describing personality characteristics of some leaders in various areas (business, government and politics).
Mentioning that women make up a small proportion of executives is the problem…I have a recent article from the Chicago Sun Times that explains this in detail…in my age group, the MBA’s of the early 80′s when an MBA was far more prestigious than an MD…these are the Madoff’s the Enron leaders, AIG etc execs that created the mess we are in….there is no shortage of literature on their anti-social attitudes re the finance industry…which means that ideology trickles into the company leadership models and business plans….
Many studies I accessed include attitudes of Hostile Sexism, Social Dominators, Benevolent Sexism and the (darker) trio including narcissism, Maciavellianism and psychopathy….if we better understand the ultimate causes and sources, it will help combat the effects…developing stronger survival modalities, inorder ot maintain a healthy work environment is the key. We need stronger psychological skills. I don’t think anyone here as aspirations of being a CEO…what I am hearingm after scanning some areas, is the participants want a mentally healthy work environment…which they have not had. That is the sadness of our society.
I have heard the trickle down theory for many years in regards to ethics violations and it is true that people have a sense of entitlement to it, especially when they see that those at the top (in government) get away with it repeatedly. However I am seeing our whole economic collapse in terms of ethics issues including the culture of bullying that we see acted out daily even in a routine drive to the supermarket. My husband gets targeted often while driving due to his age and white hair (almost daily) but he is still sharp and can meet the challenge – he does not get in the accidents or get a ticket – the perps do. Perhaps it has trickled down but there is a rage in the American people, as well as a spiritual depravity that has created what I see as a wildfire of constant occurrences. We are bombarded with messages such as “Feed the Pig” – trying to get us to increase our savings (piggy banks) when most of us do not make enough money to ever save. Just one example but I think that it contributes to the rage and is insensitive. Or how my local government does not have enough money to keep the schools open but I keep getting phone calls paid for with my tax dollars telling me to get those mercury light bulbs or to shut off appliances while not in use and how to save water. Quit the calling and hire a teacher! I do not know or care about the intricacies of which funds came from where and legally have to be applied to what. Figure it out.
Please forgive me, but this is a long comment….
I just finished reading “The Bully at Work.” I feel it was written for me about my and my recent situation.
I got laid off April 1st and knew I was the target for the first layoff in the company no matter how well I did my job or how much they needed someone to do what I was doing.
I would have been gone (quit or done something to get fired) long before that, but I needed the job in this economy, and had done some strategic moves to keep myself there so they had to lay me off instead of fire me or get me to quit even tho my sanity and health paid for it in the long run.
You don’t get unemployment benefits if you quit.
You can get unemployment if fired if you can prove that you were not at fault in knowingly trying to screw up the company.
FYI: I purposely let my Supervisor know that I was keeping a “Cover My Ass file” in my car & if I got fired, the Unemployment Office would get an earful of what was going on there & grant me unemployment and get the company’s name on the list of a place that fires people without just cause. I am sure he let others know of it’s existence.
He knew enough of my history with the Plant Manager & others to know I could do it. They weren’t too bright when it came to covering their tracks. When you are so focused on your bullying, you loose track of covering your steps to keep you out of trouble. They really aren’t that bright, just intimidating & have a job in the company that could end yours.
Emails were there biggest mistake…..
You can deny verbal attacks, but emails can be printed and saved. That’s just what I did.
FYI: After being laid off, I was replaced by my part time Assistant (female Opportunist, 2-headed Snake, & Gatekeeper bully who only did the job to get away from her kids & have something to do) and a dumb as dirt high school kid who was the son of the Customer Service (CS) Manager (female Opportunist, Control Freak Bully-there 25 years).
My Assistant trained (yeah, right!) me when I started there less than 2 years ago. My predessor (female 2-headed Snake bully-still with the company) was there over 20 years.
We all worked for the second Plant Manager since I started there (male Opportunist bully who had everyone else in the office scared of him only because of his postion-able to fire you).
The Assistant HR person (female Opportunist, Control Freak bully) was the most 2-faced person I met. She called everyone “Sunshine”. So sweet it made your teeth rot.
The HR Director (female nice lady) was in charge but for some reason gave the bully a lot of control there. I hope she leave the company on her own before the problems affect her job.
My immediate Supervisor (male 2-Headed Snake, Gatekeeper bully) had very little to do with 90% the work I did (don’t know why he was made my supervisor in the first place).
He was your typical low man on the totem pole (blame it on him when something goes wrong so he can blame it on his lowest on the totem pole workers) jellyfish with no back bone who was afraid of the Customer Service Manager & Plant Manager & the HR Assistant. Bullies like that kind under them…they are easy to bully.
Everyone thought my Assistant was harmless.
The low cut tight tops she wore everyday kept all the men from thinking she was anything but the smartest thing around. Boobs hanging out turn many men into flaming idiots no matter what their IQ is.
She was a scheming little Vixen. Her motto “Kill them with Kindness”. I knew her game the first week. She had an answer for everything, I couldn’t get her goat, so to speak. She was difficult. Worked after I left for the day, so I never knew who she talked to or about what while I was gone, but the next day, things changed & I didn’t know why….she did something to stir the pot. Funny thing is, with all the crap she was doing to other people, she actually only did 1 hour of real work in the 5 hours she was there & the bullies didn’t mind.
My Supervisor sticking up for me was not happening. He was okay when the other Plant Manager was there (knew things were a bit stressed due to my lack of proper training), but when the change of managers was made after I was there a year, he was so afraid of ruffling the new Plant Manager’s & CS Manager’s feathers, he would turn on his own grandma to keep himself safe.
Now that I read your book, I think even he was trying to hang me from the begining. For a long time I thought he was mainly on my side. Peer (bully) pressure changed him. Jellyfish. I will know better next time, thanks to the book.
Anyhow, I felt like I was going to war every day instead of my job.
I had not only to do my work (which in the last 6 months was done with no errors & on time or ahead of time) which had rule changes daily put there to try to trip me up, insufficient and many times inaccurate training (not to mention, I was doing a job that was way beyond my ability-needed college training) but I had to watch my back and listen and observe everything and everybody to make sure the day’s arrows weren’t gonna kill me. I also had to continue filling my Cover My Ass file which was over 1 inch thick emails.
When I had questions only the CS Manger could answer, she wouldn’t read my emails for 3 weeks and then I’d get an “unread” email receipt from her when she erased them. Sometimes with a return email of: “has this been resoved yet?”
Duh, no, if you didn’t resolve it……?? I got the clue that she didn’t know the answer. Nobody did.
She never (in 20 years) got along with the gal who had my job previously. They merely tolerated each other. She had a lot of control over her people, so they weren’t very friendly either. Her job is her life.
The stress I took home (never showed it at work) was sometimes unmanagable.
I got tension headaches, gained weight due to stress eating, cried every other night (mostly upset that I had to go back the next morning for more crap), whined to family members & friends (who told me to get angry & tell them where to put their job that I needed desparately at the time.)
Plus, I had to change my passive, do a good job, get along with everyone, teamplayer, happy-go-lucky self into a personality I wasn’t; to fight them. That hurt me the most. I lost myself. I don’t like being that way.
I have myself back now, but still need to get some self confidence back. I am starting to hate & distrust humans so much I prefer to be in the company of my cats. They are my best friends and that isn’t good. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t have many good friends.
If I had know how the stress & degredation would effect me, I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did; nestegg or not.
But, there aren’t many jobs out there right now & I wanted to store up a nestegg to hold me over the recession, if I could.
I did the best I could and to keep in control, turned it into a game which helped turn the bitter pills of abuse I was taking a bit better. I laughed at it all. Laughing makes everything tolerable. (as they say, “smile” it makes others wonder what you are thinking.) I also tried to focus on pleasant stuff between the arrows.
Even tho I got laid off, I feel I won.
I lasted as long as I could on my terms, not theirs. I didn’t want to be let go in the winter, and I indeed lasted until early spring.
The Plant Manager was my biggest problem. He transfered from the other plant 8 months ago after my Assistant had many talks with him about me behind my back when she was loaned out to the plant he was in charg of.
She says she was trying to help me……..
I trusted her as far as I could throw a grand piano!
Her game was to make everyone in the company look incompetent so she could run in like Wonder Woman and save the company from ruin……
I wasn’t her only Target. Anyone and everyone was; no matter their postion. She was a “Floater” doing any job anyone needed temporary help with. It put her in a real good position to do her diry work. She’d screw with the President if it got her the rewards she desparately needed to give her the love she craved.
The Plant Manager never spoke a word to me in 6 months (only Hi once in a while in stairway where no one could confirm the one word conversation).
I learned long ago to go thru the chain of command at work. Don’t go over your Supervisor’s head or you’ll be in trouble with him/her.
I requested my Supervisor to set a meeting with himself, Plant Manager and me to get things on track for all of us esp. the company.
It took 3 weeks & the first meeting was cancelled by the Plant Manager (not surprised-he didn’t want to talk).
Finally had a meeting & opened the door for more verbal communication. My Supervisor didn’t contribute one word in the 1 hour meeting. I even forced the Plant Manager to agree with me that things were working better than ever (Well oiled machine) since he started there. He hated saying that, I could tell by his body language.
I thought this meeting changed things. He did talk to me more & work with me. I knew I would never be a part of the family, but it was better than the last 8 months.
Then, after almost a year my Assistant was sent back to help me….they knew I was doing good all by myself. That was the problem. I needed to be put down again……..and she was the one to help them do it.
The past was still there & I was on the chopping block.
I knew the Plant Manager actually by that time hated me without knowing me personally and was trying very hard to get me mad enough to either quit or do something to warrant being fired.
He still rarely answered my questions (email only) that would help me do a better job, and naturally make him look good to the owner and president.
That came second to getting me out of there. I gave him many chances to get to know me without any crap from the past getting in the way. I try to leave yesterday’s crap in the past and start every day fresh. I got his butt out of a sling many times with no thank you or atta boy.
….Now he’s on his own & I am sure in more trouble than ever before, but blaming it on others.
I was working for the company’s good and he was sabatoging the quality of work for his own ego. Letting a Vixen misguide his thinking.
I think the first round of layoffs was due to his not wanting the place to run smoothly and the CS Manager taking too much time on her nastiness to do a good job. Hence, loss of customers. Loss of customers, loss of jobs. 2nd shift eliminated. 2 office jobs gone, and a few more are now gone since 1st layoff.
Good workers gone and the bully’s friends still there.
I did my job well & indirectly let him know that he didn’t make me scared or nervous (even tho he did) and always seemed happy and content and showed I wasn’t afraid of him…..even made small talk and commented on his nice sweater (ha!) That was funny…he didn’t expect it & pissed him off, I am sure.
It felt good that I, the Target, could ruffle his feathers even though I couln’t win, no matter what I did.
I didn’t win the war but won some battles. The war will never end whether I’m there or not, same play, new characters.
When I did get laid off (not fired) the Plant Manager, CS Manager, my Supervisor or any other low level workers said goodbye, wished me luck or anything. All hid in their offices of cubicles. It was done so badly. HR Assistant (Sunshine) was given the job of letting us know – she loved it!
It was like being fired not laid off. The whole process was done very unprofessionally. But, still proved how determined they were at ending this Target’s job security.
I had to go back the next morning to get my last payroll check (still no one said anything except the HR Director, she was very compassionate about it…..), go back in 2 weeks to get my 2 weeks severence pay check (still nothing).
I got laid off 23 days short of my 2 year anniversary, but didn’t get the vacation pay I already earned and had to whine until I got info on how to carry over my medical insurance (Cobra).
I found out (a week after being laid off-did doctoring before insurance ran out in a week) I may have breast cancer or pre-cancer & went thru a 1 1/2 month long breast cancer scare.
Glad I wasn’t having to go to that job during that time……needle biopsy & lumpectomy before finding out I was cancer free.
The stess would have driven me to the funny farm.
Within a week of being laid off (except for going thru the cancer scare thing) I was sleeping well, not getting headaches, reading books to help regain my self-esteem, doing things for myself that I didn’t have time to do when working. I am happier.
I am secure enough to milk the unemployment for awhile while doing things around the house & looking for the best job, not just a job & read books like yours to help regain my self respect & esteem. I’m taking the time to get myself back.
Sorry this was so long……had to vent. I guess no matter how well I say I am doing, it still hurts that I couldn’t win this war or better yet, get rid of the warlike atmosphere altogether. I don’t like conflict.
Worst thing……I couldn’t even tell them off like I should have. I couldn’t tell my side of the story, event tho no one would believe it, even if in email form.
I feel, tho, that they will pay for their mistakes eventually. The company will be doing worse & unfortunately, others like me will be taken down with them.
I see fellow co-workers in town and they are afraid to talk to me. Not even any eye contact. Barely a “hello”.
Are they all jellyfish? Are all people that insecure? Scares me….. What was said to them about me after I left? I want a chance to clear the air, but will probably never get it. A person shouldn’t have to defend themselves like that. It’s not fair not to be able to defend yourself. Guilty without a chance to prove your innocence.
I need to consider the source and move on, but it’s hard. This isn’t the first time this crap has happened to me.
I’ve lived in Texas and Wisconsin. In Texas, I loved going to work. In Wisconsin, it’s the same thing as above…..why? Wisconsinites are all wound too tight, it seems.
Sorry this was a bit dis-connected. I typed as I thought I didn’t take too much time getting things in order…..
Karen Ann
My co-workers also afraid to make eye contact, say hello, be civil – none of it. At work or on the street.
Sometimes I think it would be great if the perp who assaulted me did it again but in a supermarket in front of a security camera and got busted by the store staff since my employer wouldn’t do it. Maybe in a public place strangers wouldn’t be afraid to be witnesses. Then maybe I could say that it happened at work too and finally prosecute.
I work in a large human services agency – our big boss – a woman – bullies most of her managers (mostly women). “Kay” only has two people over her (very nice, but ineffective, uninvolved men), and while we’re guessing they don’t like her, we’re also thinking that they’re not aware of how pervasive the problem is below her. Mostly after people under her have too much, they just leave. She targets people at different times, or will find a new victim after her previous one leaves. The managers she chooses as victims usually have a life circumstance that have made them vulnerable – a family member has just died, or there’s been a sudden illness. That’s when she digs in.
The funny part is, is that she’s not very knowledgeable about her job – and manages to get away with it. Managers under her are always propping her up, enabling her lack of knowledge and ability. Her decisions are usually poor and a great deal of effort has to be made to “bring her around”. And this isn’t a secret. Everyone knows that she has to be “handled”. But no one will do anything about it. Except resign and move on. People are too worried about burning bridges.
Many female managers think they have to act like men to get ahead but some just go too far. I have worked with male and female managers and, in general, female managers and co-workers are too much headache. Too many of them are incompetent, sensitive, insecure or just plain jealous. I have seen first hand how nasty some women can be.
Never again will I work in a place where there are many female managers (or even many women, for that matter) – the environment is often toxic.
Angela, do you work on the 22nd floor of a downtown office? I agree with you, by the way.
BigMIke…
I am So Lucky That I found your blog and great articles. I will come to your blog often for finding new great articles from your blog.I am adding your rss feed in my reader Thank you…
The employer’s most common response to the bully in position of power is to set-up the target as a scapegoat for the destruction by the bully by recruiting gang in office to all complain about same issue with the target after they intentionally set up a confrontation to trap the target and accuse her of being the problem.
Hi, I’m from the UK.. googled a search about workplace bullying and came up with this site, and I can relate so much to a lot of what has been written here.
Up until October last year I worked for a construction company in the UK, as PA/office manager in a project office on a building site, where the staff were predominantly male. There were a small number of female admin staff who I would say made my life very difficult from the day I got promoted. I started as a temp secretary, and was promoted after a few months. I was happy to accept the job, but I had my reservations because I knew I was going to experience a lot of resentment and jealousy. I didn’t fit in with the culture of bitchiness, from day one, but I tried hard to get along with them..but I neither didn’t want to run with the hounds, so to speak. I could almost have written the script for them. Three of the women, who actually didn’t particularly get along initially, bonded after I got promoted, and deliberately tried to undermine me, posed problems for me unnecessarily, were petty and childish at times, and down right obstructive. If I took annual leave, or (heaven forbid) if I was off sick, they didn’t like it because they knew they’d be sought to do something that wasn’t on their remit, so I got the cold shoulder treatment when I returned. On a personal level, they made reference to be being menopausal, and a divorcee living with my mother, and the fact that I’m childless. It was all done very subtlely. For the most part I could let their behaviour wash over me, but I used to go home at night very stressed and upset. My line manager was a chauvanist, 58 and the ex gaffer of a coal mine, not used to dealing with women, and he put it down to a big girlie clash of personalities and didn’t want to know. Our HR advisor was a 24 year old woman with only text book knowledge of workplace problems, and she didn’t support me. He told me I was emotional and should count to ten more. I actually only showed lack of restraint once, when I snapped back at this particular woman, when she went to my boss over my head and pointed out a very trivial mistake I’d made. There was also issues of dishonesty I had to deal with, i.e. missing cash, opening private & confidential mail, doing work for subcontractors for gifts, etc etc. The final straw came when I spoke to the elderly receptionist about a malicious email she’d sent to one of the directors, alerting him that two people in the office (one who was a friend of mine) were having an affair. When I questioned her about this, she started to cry and had to be taken home, feeling ill (she’s 73). I then got a disciplinary hearing notice for unprofessional behaviour as I’d already been verbally warned for upsetting one of the other women. It seems to me that women cry to manipulate situations.
I handed my notice in at that point, as I wasn’t prepared to try and vindicate myself. I suppose I could have stood my corner and gone ahead with it, but, at the time I felt totally upset and I wasn’t prepared to try and vindicate myself by talking about other people’s behaviour. I had support from other people at work, but I didn’t feel strong enough at the time to go for constructive dismissal, or lodge a grievance. I was also thinking about my reference, in my next job. I worked two weeks of my one months notice, then took the rest off as annual leave. Certain people were gloating and I felt I was being taken the piss out of.. People I liked distanced themselves from me as they were embarrassed. I’ve since had some contact from my bosses and work mates, which have been supportive.
My self esteem took a dive and I couldn’t even begin to look for work again for at least 2 months. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I actually loathed myself and tried to think of ways I could have done things differently. I think I was bullied, on hindsight.. but at the time I didn’t think I was. I realise now bullying comes in many different forms.
best wishes to all of you
Dianne xx
I work for the federal government, the National Park Service, and this issue of workplace bullying has never been addressed in the ethics classes we are required to take.
I’ve got an idea – for anyone who is into musical theatre and script writing.
“Bullied at Work – The Musical”. How about it?
I love the idea Andrea! Wish I had the energy and motivation to put it into action.
I think that most corporations have a culture that corrects for power imbalances between female supervisors and male subordinates such that the woman holds less power over male subordinates than she does over female subordinates. Naturally, a bully targets the `weakest` members of her team because she is more likely to get away with the abuses. So, both men and women bully and in this way the bullying is not gender specific, but women are more frequently targeted by both genders because they are more likely to get away with it.
[...] In fact this “Workplace Civil War,” as Ms. Meese describes it, is more prevalent among women targeting their own gender. Some stats and thoughts on the women bullying women are: 40% of bullies are women. Women prefer ‘their own kind’ 70% of the time when selecting a target. Lots of thought-provoking arguments on why bullying exists in the workplace. Check this out for more information. [...]
I felt so alone and confused…hopeless! Until a co-worker told me I was the workplace scapegoat and getting bullied. I wanted help and found this today…I work in a non-profit org – faith based and get treated as bad or worse than a non faith based job. Help me!!
(I’ve been working in this place almost 5 yrs, this is our 3rd Nurse manager, we’ve already been through a hellish one before THIS one!)
I told the male director of our Local Government Department of Health and Human Services, that the Nurse Manager was doing this to me for quite a
while, in a sealed confidential email.
I basically said it in a few sentences: “Bullying is not very good. Having a meeting alone in a room with the Nurse Manager is not very good either. I think we need to have a talk, I thought I could handle this by myself, but it’s gotten really bad, and I don’t think I can deal with this alone any more. Please don’t share this with anyone else.”
I have never, in all the 5 yrs ever emailed him like this and complained. Goodness knows, I could have with the last Nurse Manager, and many times with this one. She has been working her way out the door anyway, but this has gotten out of hand, and now, who knows? With government te way it is..They always support the management first, no matter how incompetent.I won’t put anything in writing, it’s too risky, I will stay quiet, but inform him of what she is doing, because I know she is doing it to others, as well as our patients.
This is the part that’s killing me. Our patients are the MOST vulnerable, and she speaks to them in such horrifying tones.When I get the chills from her voice, I can only feel what they must be feeling. This is HHS, Behavioral Health and Crisis Services, Paid for with your Tax dollars. You deserve better for your hard working taxes.
I have worked at the Post Office for over 20 years. I have recently returned to work after 9 months off because the Post Office attempted to have me removed. My female supervisor harassed me, disciplined me repeatedly, followed me to the locker room while I was on break, gave me orders to stop walking, stop talking, listen to her, then had me removed from work. I won two arbitrations, I am waiting on full back pay, received an EEO cash settlement, but the supervisor is still there. The arbitrator ruled she could not be my supervisor. The return to work has been difficult, there is a lot of hostility from management, co workers, and union officials. I was a union officer and steward when I left, but due to my questioning the timeliness of grievance filings, I have been “black balled” by the local union officers and stewards who are mostly women. I feel tension from the co workers who will talk to me undercover. Some have been told by my union president they should not be friends with me because no one will like them and one was told she should not be taking breaks with me. I trust only a few people at work. It is difficult to deal with both management and co workers “icing” you out. Sometimes the win doesn’t feel like a win.
Nancy, It’s justice that you sought. Until you’re paid and out of there, it is unlikely. Please put your health first and monitor the creeping onset of stress-related health problems. You deserve to work where you are not sandwiched between two groups that hate you. GN
With all due respect, it seems once the issue is identified as bullying, the remedy should not have to be for good, qualified people to have to leave their job.
Yes Lynn — targets having to pay the price (64% lose their jobs once targeted) is one of the great injustices that are part of the bullying phenomenon. GN
Nancy, I know that PO is a horrible place. I worked there years ago and quit because it was such a hostile place to work. I know others who quit due to the same reason. Now, years later, I work in another government office, which is as just as bad if not worse than the PO position that I held..how ironic.
The first time I worked under a female bully, I thought it was a fluke. I was wrong.
I worked at a major state research university for 15 years and witnessed constant bullying, half of it by women and virtually all of it against women.
After being treated as a valued employee all my life, the university is where I learned the person most likely to stab you in the back is your supervisor.
Human Resources is not on your side. HR and supervisors do not keep information private and passed on confidential information.
The higher up in the system I went with my complaint, the less confidentiality I had. I took it to the top.
I learned the purpose of the Office of “Social Justice” is to protect management, the same as HR.
One supervisor went after me the year I turned 50. I won a major award and then my dad died unexpectedly of cancer.
My supervisor, who only bothered to come into the office once a week, spread lies and rumors, degraded me to my co-workers and management.
I applied for various jobs in an effort to get away from this supervisor although I loved the job and my work had been recognized by our funding agency in DC. I was well liked, highly competent, respected in my field and had an excellent reputation.
I was promoted to middle management under a serial bully. My old boss continued to attack and undermine me (for leaving) until I threatened to take legal action.
In my 10 years with the organization, I saw half a dozen women resign angry and bitter. With the rumors swirling about each woman, I thought maybe the women were the problem.
And then I backed a whistle blower, another woman my old boss forced out. Then it was my turn. And it was relentless.
My new supervisor increased pressure when my elderly mother was ill and went blind. I finally took six-months approved medical leave to care for my mom.
I had been running the unit, but when I returned I was given secretarial work, left out of all meetings and emails and told I could not do any of my old job on work time. Assignments and supervisors changed day to day.
I emailed our HR person traumatized and she forwarded the email to management.
Then my mother had a stroke that put her in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. When I returned from a couple days getting her situated, management gave me the choice of a 10 percent pay cut and two pay grade demotion or go into a “reassignment pool.”
I began taking antidepressants when my died and by this time, the dose was doubled and I was also taking anxiety medication three times a day.
I chose to go into the pool where we were promised new positions or the option of bumping an employee with less seniority — 20 positions in my field were held by people with less seniority but HR refused any action.
The university refused to follow its own policies and found a loophole in the state law. I was told: “You don’t want to go where you’re not wanted.”
I continued to apply for jobs and to interview — inside and outside the university. I didn’t know everyone in the pool was blackballed although none of the women I met had ever been written up for any infraction. More than 90 percent in the pool are women.
The union represented four of us and requested information about sex ratio in the pool, rules and regulations. The university refused to provide information and the union dropped it.
Meanwhile, I fought for my job, exchanging letters with ex-management via “Social Justice” and HR. They accused me of no documentation and I gave them 200 pages, including e-mails, a petition supporting me signed by my unit plus the names of seven women bullied out of the organization.
The President’s Office for “Social Justice” closed my case without speaking to a single who supported me — they had more than a dozen names.
I was placed in an HR unit across campus — all women. One secretary didn’t like me. I was isolated, not invited to holiday gatherings and the women averted their gaze in the hall.
Women make comments about me and giggled after I left the room. The HR director allowed her trusted secretary to read ALL e-mails — no matter how confidential — which she then shared with all her friends on the hall.
I offered to do any work. I begged HR for work, for another placement. I was treated as completely worthless.
Both the male bullies I once worked under had their contracts canceled not for anything related to me.
The entire unit rose up against the serial bully.
I returned to HR and said: “Can’t you see I was telling the truth?” They said it didn’t matter.
Despite a terminal master’s degree (tuition waived on merit by the university) I spent most of my last two years as a backup receptionist, playing Bookworm because I had no work.
The last year, the HR woman placed me under another woman and although I outranked her in seniority, degrees and experience, I was given less complicated assignments than student workers. Nothing I did was right.
It took me six months to arrange a meeting with these two women, despite e-mails, requests and the fact that one office was across the hall.
Right after my mother died, the two women supervisors set up the requested meeting then “forgot” to invite me and laughed about it.
When we finally met, I asked: “Don’t my experience, years of service to the university and degrees mean anything?”
The women answered: “Not here.”
I resigned two weeks later and was completely traumatized for a year. I’m better but have post traumatic stress.
My humiliation and the destruction of my career were funded by EPA and USDA grants but it’s open season on women at that university. Bullies continue to rise to the top.
As Karen Ann stated (above): “I have myself back now, but still need to get some self-confidence back. I am starting to hate & distrust humans so much I prefer to be in the company of my cats. . . I don’t trust anyone anymore. . . .
“If I had known how the stress & degradation would effect me, I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did; nest egg or not.”
I was raped in college and it took decades and therapy to get past it. Being bullied was like being raped again.
I’m 61 and I’ve been out of work for three years.
Annie – I really do feel for you, three months into a probationary period I now realize that I was being targeted from about the third week.
I have so much work to do and I want to finish it for the senior manager who requested it but my line manager is lining up a sniper attack.
Have to go back to self employment, at least I know where I stand and feel sane.
Hope life treats you better and don’t give up hope.
I read your story, wow! I’m happy I stumbled accross this site but I’m sad because it seems there is no solution and there definately needs to be a law! My training class (we started with 5) was hit hard by the 2nd and 3rd week. One lady quit about 4 or 5 weeks into training. Another one quit after 6 mos of work. Two others are on probation. It’s crazy. Party of my story is below. I just don’t get it! More money is spent on training people. They just don’t care about keeping their investments! And none of this has to do with promotions but just trying to do work and being nice to people.
Thanks KL. It’s only in retrospect that I realized when I was first targeted.
On the job for almost 1 year where I work with mostly women. I was recently pulled in for a “evaluation” where my ratings were 100% and after the “evaluation” was then told (with a pointing finger and a hostile tone) that I am a nurturing, caring person, that likes to help people and likes to fix things and that this is a problem and that I needed to “take a step back!” among other things. (I chose not to retaliate, I kept quiet.)(Most of the time at this job I only help when someone asks for it but apparently upper management does not like this.)
All because I tried to “silence” a cube partner’s cell phone while she was in the restroom…I’m still baffled.
Maria,
Bullying is irrational, so it never does make sense unless viewed through the lens of interpersonal power. GN
Thank you Dr. Namie for your reply. I still have not told my manager that this other manager said these things to me. I have not told either of my bosses either, for fear of retaliation. I am not afraid of loosing my job. They pride themselves in not “letting people go” but they make sure they intimidate people into quitting. Since I’ve been there about 8 people have quit and others in process of looking for other jobs. I don’t know if I should speak up or not. It’s difficult…the good thing is that I’m like by my colleagues and my bosses…it’s just wierd, strange.
I have spent almost a year healing and trying to recuperate from my experience with a vicious female boss. I have always had men supervisors and generally they were just fine. Before I always was offended when people would say women bosses were awful. I was a feminist and believed in the ideals of feminism where women worked and supported one another.
Wrong. My young boss prided herself on a new MBA but no actual work experience, absolutely no management experience, and even ordinary real – life people skills. Consequently she truly believed that everything she says is correct and whoa be to anyone who crossed her path.
She loved meetings but could just not get up early in the morning. So meetings would start around 11 or 12 and run til 7 or 8 at night, regardless of your schedule or commute or family life. She would give nebulous job assignments, you’d prepare for them with her specifications and timeframe and then she would rip them apart because she changed her mind. Or the appointment would be changed 3 or 4 times before she found the time to meet. Consequently time-sensitive information would no longer be correct for the changed appointment date and you could not revise it because the appointment would called in a few minutes time. I kept a file folder filled with 8 inches of reports she changed her mind on. She was setting every employee up for failure with her unprofessional behavior.
She supposedly was hired for her zealous, kick ass attitude and a promise to bring in financial results. In one year’s time she made over half of her department’s lives miserable that they quit rather than be fired. I was hired at that point and was shocked on my first day to learn how many had quit because it was so awful. If I had known I never would have come there and in fact gave up 2 other job offers to come there.
I was left alone to do my job for awhile when a few months later a new worker was hired with very, very few job skills. All the staff was asked to mentor her to bring up her skill set. As soon as she came on the scene, the destructive, mean-spirited gossip started, rumors were constantly swirling and our mature boss believed her because they had become BFF’s.
For some reason I became their target. I do agree with previous posters about bullies targetting people with higher standards of behavior. What I wouldn’t do was gossip or join in their games. I think that infuriated them. As with others, then my work was called in question, then parts were taken away from me and miraculously given to the new hire.
I developed migraine headaches due to the stress, couldn’t sleep, and on Sundays at 3 in the afternoon would get so depressed to know I had to go back and face this sad excuse of a woman the next day to keep my job.
Within 3 months time I went from being a superior, respected employee to one who accused of gossiping and saying vile things, to then being let go without cause, in spite of bringing in substantial money.
When the HR director came with me to my office for me to clean it out, she asked me to do an exit interview. At this I snapped out that it would not be paid any attention. She said of course it would and I said if that was the case then how did she explain that no one listened to the 15/20 previous department people let go?
The next morning I woke without a headache and my chest did not hurt any longer. Of course, being let go in the worst economic depression since the Great Depression has not been good. She wanted to hurt me, she set out to destroy me and humiliate me and in many ways she has succeeded.
As a footnote, a few months ago, the HR director was suddenly also let go and I heard that my former boss was involved in that one too!
You know there’s a saying that applies to many bullies state-of-minds:
Blowing out another’s candle will not make yours burn brighter.”
The bully I have dealt with sounds a LOT like yours and you are not alone. I believe many bullies are threatned by people like us who are not only competent, but also have integrity and they don’t believe they measure up, so they take the easiest road and stomp on us. But what they don’t understand is that WE are sthe strong ones. We held our ground and our integrity even when it would have been easier to sell out.
Thank you for posting this article. I am a female and I am currently in a job (I’ve worked here for 13 years) and for 10 years I’ve been bullied by one woman who has turned everyone in our small group, including our manager, against me.
This has been an awful nightmare for me. I feel paralyzed and depressed. I used to be a productive contributer to the mission of our group and our company and I have been slandered so badly by this woman, as a result, I’ve been stripped of responsibilities and totally ostracised from the rest of the group (we are learning a new product to deploy to customers and I’m the only one not in the fold – this is what I do for a living). I have been accused of mistakes I have not made, I have been humiliated in meetings and made to look completely incompetent even when I didn’t do a thing to deserve it. It came down to my boss actually giving me a review in which I scored a 3 out of 4 (4 being the highest) and when he emailed me the review to sign (it is electronic) he lowered the score to 2 out of 4. When I asked him about it he just said, “well, it’s not a big deal.” It’s gotten to the point where I sleep for only 4-5 hours per night and I’m depressed, and I’m not that way by nature.
If I were to even bring this up the retaliation would be harsh and relentless. I only wish the economy were better so I could move on, but I’ve tried applying for jobs and I have to ask myself, even if I do land an interview, how would I explain not including my current employer and co-workers on my reference list? This is a huge problem for me.
Anonymous
Re: what to do about not listing the last job as a reference: — I think it is okay to acknowledge that you had “professional differences” and leave it at that. Everyone has had a bad boss at one time or another. In the interview, the thing to do is to describe what you learned from the experience / job. Remember, never trash the former job or boss, no matter what! You’ll be fine.
I add. If he or she is going to paint you as incompetent, make a pre-emptive statement such as: “when you call, you’re likely to hear that I was a bozo. But here is my record (provide objective accomplishments) that she for her own reasons chose to ignore. As you can see, I focus on the work and delivering excellence. Do you agree?” Then, you will have framed her negative comments in the box that “she’s a petty person.” None of this is a lie.
One more question I forgot to ask – is there some sort of online support group (this seems like a good group of people to participate!) for people like us?
Glad you asked. It’s a goal for 2010 at WBI.
I was a target of a woman bully for way too many years. I let her destroy my self-esteem, health, and relationships with others. As typical of a bully she ultimately fired me without cause because she didn’t want to work with me anymore. She targeted others before and after me and she proudly told very horrifying stories about how she bullied her own family members.
It’s been several years but I have never been able to get full time employment again. Recently I was told my someone I know on the interview team that this bully’s negative, untrue comments about me again prevented me from getting that position. When is my sentence over? I feel like I’ve tried to remain positive and overcome her untrue legacy. Any suggestions for overcoming her unfair influence?
Sue for defamation!
I just recently quit my job due to bullying by my boss. I accepted the position knowing that this woman had held it before being promoted to CEO. I had a gut feeling it wasn’t a good choice before I accepted but I did so because the opportunities that the move to this town afforded my family were the primary motivators.
The reasoning that bullies behave as they do in order to cover up insecurities and incompetence are, I believe, the reasons that I was bullied. My situation was not as extreme as some of the stories I have read here. It started with comments meant to humuliate when she didn’t like something I said in a meeting and unfair or false reprimands made in front of other staff. It was also subtle in that it was designed to make me doubt myself and my abilities before it escalated in mid December 2009. During a discussion in which I was told that my suggestion for a problem resolution was “silly” my apparent indignation at being talked down to was apparently license for her to go off and start attacking my personality (I am quiet by nature) and character. It was demanded that I respect her and if I did not than I would need to leave. At that point it became obvious that she was paving the way to fire me. I left the meeting and was in tears as I left the office. I spent a good deal of time agonizing over it and what it was that I did to cause it.
Having worked for a horrible woman at the beginning of my career I was able to make the decision that day it escalated to verbal attacks that there was no way I would stick around for more of the same. I’m glad that I was strong enough to make that decision that day because if I hadn’t I might not have looked for a new job, which I am now looking forward to starting in a few days.
My annual review was a complete joke. Positive comments followed with negative comments that seemingly contradicted the other. Multiple ratings of “Need Improvements” but when questioned to give examples she was not able to produce any concrete situation or incident. She was only able to struggle with putting forth some vague comments such as “other people are concerned”. When pressed she finally told me of one incident, which had not been previously discussed with me, that was brought to her attention by another member of the management team. However, she would only tell me if I understood that she would have to tell that person that she told me as it was told to her in confidence. Thus I learned that I was also working with a woman that was still in junior high mentally.
When I was interviewing for the job that I am starting next week I was asked why I was looking to leave my current employer. I didn’t have to say much and did so in an indirect way but they understood rather quickly. The CEO of that company is a woman and before concluding our talk she made the point to tell me that even though her organization’s management team in predominantly female that they are all professional women and that there is very little, if any, drama. I hope that she is sincere in her claim. If nothing else, this entire experience has taught me what I will and will not tolerate in my working environment. I’ve also learned that I am strong enough to change the situation for myself.
For any person out there struggling with the same problems please know that you do have the power to stand up and say “enough”. Sometimes that means your stand includes walking out the door. You health and sanity is not worth staying and fighting a losing battle. There is a need for legislation but until that happens fight it in a way that makes sense for you. Remember, “you can’t argue with stupid”.
At my performance evaluation I was told I was unprofessional because “someone told someone else something that made her cry and she was in the boss’s office crying!”
I asked who said it; “I can’t tell you” Who was it said to: “I can’t tell you” What did I say: “I can’t tell you”
I said ” so I am to defend myself about a statement I cannot hear said by someone I cannot know to someone else I cannot know? And it is professional to go to the boss about me with a hearsay statement and cry, but I need to be more professional?
What? (Am I in High School?)
I am in the eye of the storm now. For 18 months I’ve been subjected to subtle and confrontational bullying. It’s frustrating to deal with HR because during the meeting to discuss the incidents, I felt he was short and angry with me. In the articles here it says, don’t trust HR. If not, who do I trust? My co-workers don’t want to risk being the next target, so they’re silent. The other manager is afraid too. I have no other recourse but to believe HR can make a difference. If I stand a 64% chance of losing my job, I’m going to lose my mind! What does one do???
BillyV, You have to go to the top. Easier in a large corp or agency. Read our 3 step for a full explanation. Inside the Target section. Click on the menu bar.
All I can say is “ditto”.
My current boss (“Sue”) is a former friend, and began targeting me after I recieved favor in another department. She smeared me mercilessly for small things and weirdly for things that she herself still engages in. While it was going on, it was an open secret in the office, everyone knew. Some were dispassionate, some horrified, and some probably got their rocks off. Complaints to our common boss (above both of us) were ignored. Because of her continual attacks, my job changed. I was “congratulated” for my “excellent work” in the other department, and then moved back exclusively to her unit. I am now entirely under her thumb.
I have spent at least 15+ months with my hair falling out, sometimes liteally trembling in bed at night, and feeling surrounded and afraid.
For months I had regular intrusive thoughts of suicide and even had plans for how to make it look like an accident (to spare my kids).
Humiliating does not come close to describing it. It felt like gang rape.
I am now “between beatings.” Rather than wait for the next flare-up, I am moving on. Yet, I dare not speak a negative word, because it would follow me to my next position. I am silent. She won.
Even writing this now, brings me back to those horrible days, the lowest moments in my professional career.
By the way, I am a lawyer, and no weak sister. I am successful, well liked and I win my cases. In my humble opinion, the ONLY way to change this is to change the law to capture and punish this kind of behavior by making it a civil wrong, and by allowing money damages. The only way to do that is to turn over the rock and expose the worm. How? Say something to your State Representative. Send them a letter, direct them to this wonderful website, or send them a copy of this book. I am going to do just that!
Thank you Drs. N. for your work in this area. And thanks for listening. Good luck to you all, I am rooting for you. Peace.
Anne, 3 things. 1. Your account of the impact of these assaults helps others to link their bullying experience to the harm inflicted. It seems obvious except when you are going through it. 2. Assuming you are a woman and using the term rape, you have the right. Many have equated the experience to rape (clinicians comparing the PTSD severity to that of rape victims, plaintiffs describing the depositions at the hands of the employer’s attorneys, and the stigmatization). I am wary of saying it as a man, but it is a reality for both men and women. 3. For political action, visit http://WWW.HEALTHYWORKPLACEBILL.ORG and sign up. Apply your intelligence, experience and heart to becoming a State Coordinator, if it fits you. GN
“If you miss out on life they win”. A quote I came across in a film I watched a while ago. I have been bullied on and off for about 7 years now. It has been a group bully constant scenario. It ripped me to shreds because initially I believed everyone except myself a tough lesson I truly do not require and unfortunately it did not pass me by. I guess you can call me a whistleblower if you wish to label me, what I did was ask it to stop without mentioning any names this might not have been the best way but it was the best I could do at the time. I lost a mass of weight, endured injuries to my back, unable to sleep, hair fell out, I have thrown up on the side of the pavement on the way to work due to the fear and horror I’d to face. A group bullying scenario is horrendous due to the fact when one bully leaves you alone you turn around and there is always another one to pick up the slack. The exhaustion I have felt is undescribable. Throughout this there was one constant I had in my life no matter how awful I felt and looked I always walked in with my shoulders back and my head held high & remained civil & professional. I did look for other work but I was unwilling to leave my job for a lesser job.
If I was to leave my job I knew it was important to leave on my terms and not theirs because I would have only brought the effects of their repulsive actions with me. These days I feel a lot more positive I am in the same workplace, I distance myself from the cliques I have managed to get back a certain amount of normality in my life.
I am truly glad I have never given up the person that I am, people will always look at me with a jaundiced eye and lack trust and there is nothing I can do about that, all I can do is to continue to conduct myself in the manner in which I was brought up and to lead by example. This note covers so little of what happened to me but I wanted to let other people know that you will be okay it’s definitely not easy, try and keep a few constants in your difficult time its kind of like developing a habit a good habit 1.Eat good healthy foods 2.Fresh air (does not matter if its only for 5 minutes) 3.Ensure to Sleep or Just rest 4.Draw a line when you leave work don’t think about it until your back in the next morning 5.Just say “STOP” out loud everytime you waste time thinking about those nasty people 6.Don’t waste one more second of your life on trying to work out why they are they way they are 7.Give your energy to those who appreciate it i.e. family, a stranger walking down the street. My best to all
Blue Rose we commend you for keeping your boundaries intact and not letting the demons inside. Point 6 is my favorite and one I also share with people I coach. “Don’t waste one more second of your life on trying to work out why they are they way they are” You are a good soul. Thanks for sharing your wisdom here. Stay safe, live long. GN
Lately, I noticed that my self-esteem is completely crushed. I mentioned it to my counselor (I am getting counseling for anxiety and depression). That got me thinking and talking about why? I was targeted by two workplace bullies, in two different workplaces, in the last four years. The first place I chose to leave, when I realized what was happening. I had been through an abusive marriage, and recognized the abusive treatment after 3 months, as abusive. The second place fired me (they couldn’t find a reason, and had to make one up). I didn’t realize that these two situations had messed me up so badly inside, until four years after the first ordeal, and one and a half years after the other. The workplace abuses messed me up far worse than my ten-year abusive marriage had. Maybe because I, and my society recognize and acknowledge domestic violence and the harm it does–but we think of workplace bullying as trivial. When I finally acknowledged that it happened to me, I didn’t talk because no-one would take me seriously. Also, I didn’t recognize the harm it did me until now. I don’t think my counselor is taking it seriously either. It helps a great deal, to see that it was out of jealousy–that the first bully felt threatened by my arrival. It was apparent that I was the most knowledgeable and competent, and that she favored all males, and especially those who were least competent. Also, it was apparent to all, that I am a very spiritual, highly moral person. I wasn’t trying to be obvious about it–I just naturally developed a very strong spirituality after a lifetime of abuse. Now I feel like the one who said that she distrusts humanity, and prefers the company of her cats to all other company. That explains how I feel. I too think human society is horrible, and have lost all desire to have any friends at all. The only company I want to be in, is that of my two sons, and my two cats. Now, I have a really important question–now that I recognize how broken I am. How does one heal one’s self-esteem from workplace bullying?
Reading through posts, I began to read yours and thought: Did I write that and forget? I also saw a clinical psychologist-therapist. It helped.
You mentioned people not taking your situation seriously . . . While I was bullied out of my position/career, my “work” was taken away. I was upset doing busy work or having nothing to do when I used to run the unit.
Even some of my friends/coworkers said, “Hey, you can do nothing and collect a salary. Enjoy.”
I said, “I didn’t put in 10 years learning this field and before that leave my son with baby sitters and drive across the state for a masters degree to do nothing.”
I was taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication and seeing a medical doctor every few months at that point because of the stress.
I started to think I’d die if I stayed. I bought many photo albums and arranged family photographs at night, putting things in order for my son. I updated my will.
My next visit to the doctor, I told her I couldn’t handle it. My only hope for a future and putting in the couple years until retirement was a short medical leave of absence.
She said, “I can’t tell them to be nice to you.” I felt betrayed. She was a long term doctor I trusted.
I realized I was giving up my future security when I quit but I honestly thought if I stayed would die.
Where has this site been all my life? LOL…but seriously: I am so glad I discovered this site.
For the past 10+ years I have direct-reported to a micromanaging, bullying, manipulative, gate-keeping, idea-squashing, soul-destroying control freak. This woman has driven many people out of the company, yet she stays. (Her own supervisor protects her.)
Her arsenal of control tactics includes manipulation (she is the Manipulation Queen, and she knows exactly how to push her subordinates’ buttons); guilt-tripping; gate-keeping; keeping subordinates isolated from their colleagues in other departments; effectively squashing and suppressing every idea that bubbles up from below (always with a different excuse); shaming; nano-managing to the nth degree; making insanely unrealistic demands (e.g., refusing to prioritize conflicting, overlapping deadlines); drowning her subordinates in endless pointless meetings; giving the impression that, no matter how much one does, even above and beyond, it’s never good enough…and the list goes on.
I work in a creative department. This woman should NOT be managing people — like most textbook-case micromanagers, she is all about processes, not people. In particular, she should not be managing *creative* people. She doesn’t understand creative people; she feels threatened by them; and she seems to believe that her mission in life is to break and destroy them.
Most members of our team refuse to work for her. For a long time, only one other employee and I reported to her. The other employee (a man) decided he wasn’t going to stand her ranygazoo, so he complained to a sympathetic higher manager (now gone, alas). The higher-up laid down the law, so my boss, to protect her own hide, was forced to play it cool with this one subordinate. Now she concentrates most of her control-freak bullying on me. I am naturally self-doubting and guilt-ridden, so I am easily manipulated. She homes in on those weaknesses and goes in for the kill. She doesn’t scream, rage, or anything like that. Instead, she is covert-aggressive, employing extremely clever manipulation to break my will and get her way.
I want to leave so badly. I’m nearly 59, and my husband and I have savings. Our house is paid off, our cars are paid off, and our two teenage sons are doing so well in school that they can probably get $$ for college. (Older son recently aced the PSAT, and he is being inundated with college offers.) I am dying to take early retirement. But my husband wants me to wait to get laid off, so that I can get severance and unemployment benefits. I don’t know if I can wait that long. (The stuff I do has a steep learning curve, and therefore the bosses seem reluctant to let me go. To tell the truth, they’d probably be just as happy with a kid fresh out of college, but the kid him-/herself wouldn’t be able to stand it and would be out the door toot-sweet. Not kidding about that: We cannot keep young talent; they know better than to stay in an abusive situation with no career path. We recently hired a freelancer who also direct-reports to this woman; this freelancer, who has her own successful freelance business on the side, is already talking about leaving, because the micromanaging is driving her insane.)
In short, I feel trapped, and there’s nowhere I can go. My boss’s boss routinely protects her, so that’s a no-win situation. And HR is pathetic. Per upper management, HR cannot do anything about a horrific situation unless it involves legally actionable stuff like sexual harassment or discrimination. Last time I went to HR, I was told that this is a case of “management style,” and there’s nothing they can do about that. Management style, my foot. This is the Micromanaging Control Freak from Hell.
Sorry for rambling on and on. Thanks again for letting me vent.
(sorry I can’t give my real name)
When I read you felt trapped I felt concern. It is your management who are trapped. They will not act against their own, if they do they are admitting failure. Instead they look the other way thus demonstrating their actions are common and by no means unique. Create a mental detachment from your work environment by stepping back and realise any negative scenario from the micromanage person or any other manager (that only provides lip service and no correct support) is a symptom of a non existant management environment. When you realise how incompetent these people are it will help you to build your confidence and belief in your own abilities and hopefully, begin to enjoy the reasons why you started your job in the first place!-ALWAYS REMEMBER WHATEVER IS SAID OR DONE IT IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK DIRECTED AT YOU BUT IS A SYMPTOM OF NON EXISTANT MANAGEMENT-STAY DETACHED FROM THE SITUATION & I wish you well.
I believe bullying is a personal attack as well as a symptom of poor management. Destroying a person’s emotional health and financial future couldn’t be more personal.
I was certainly singled out. I wasn’t bullied until I was 50. I can’t imagine how bullied children survive. Heartbreaking.
I believe most who has been bullied to the point of job loss, depression, anxiety and/or PTSD believe it was at least partly personal.
I would to write a book on workplace and its effects psychologically and address these issues GPs,HR, Occupational Health and above all the medial and the real reason sickness absence within the NHS.
If you are an insanely beautiful sexy woman, you are 500X times more likely to get bullied by other women in the workplace. It has nothing to do with your work ethic or job performance. The average fat/ugly girl is jealous and hateful and will make your life a living a hell. They will even scream and yell at you. Especially if you’re a nice girl. TRUST ME. If you are a raging bitch, they still won’t leave you alone, so that doesn’t work either. You will have to quit.
I’ve actually never seen anyone bullied at work because they were good looking. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen.
I’ve seen many women bullied out of jobs — other than being women, the connecting tie was age. Virtually all were over 45.
I tend to think overweight women are more likely targets than beautiful women — just as out in society. I was treated better when I was young and pretty.
But there are a lot of bullies out there any anybody can be a target. It’s not a rational thing.
I am 56. I went to Catholic school: we spent an extra half hour in school every day to take Religion class: turn the other cheek, love thy neighbor & thine enemies. My grandmother believed in “noblesse oblige”: if you have advantages (monetary, social, intellectual, or educational), they should be used to assist those less fortunate. I am a pacifist and believe compassion is one of life’s basics.
As a self-confident creative artist, I have spent much of my working life in supervisory positions with non-profit Arts organizations. I have worked with hundreds of volunteers, wonderful people who needed little more than encouragement, good planning, and some assistance with creative problem solving in order to exceed all departmental performance goals. As a team, we often rescued other departments during their peak periods. The organizations prospered, yet our team success was routinely punished by women working higher up.
Two of these women were having personal relationships with the Directors of the organizations, and were directly responsible for driving over a dozen very capable women out of the workplace. The third woman had convinced her Director that without her all the funding would disappear when, in fact, many of the financial contributors were supporting the organization in spite of her and preferred to deal with her assistant (a position known to be the worst job on offer). The happier the Directors were with my teams’ performance, the more bullying I experienced at the hands of their malicious “pets”. I put up with it for years: 6 years with one, 8 with another and 12 with the third, in order to support the very worthwhile work of these groups and to protect my teams. I believed these women would be caught, and corrected, but it never happened.
Since voluntarily leaving these organizations, along with many other fed-up employees, I have moved on to do satisfying and rewarding work in other areas. All three of these groups have since experienced poor financial performance and non-stop internal chaos. They have revolving doors on their staff entrances. Talented & experienced people will not stay with them. The Directors have no idea why this is happening, but it is explained to them by their “pets” as the fault of “this person, get rid of her” or “that person, get rid of him”. Everyone sees the truth except the boss.
A complete lack of understanding at the top of these organizations is destroying decades of hard work by dedicated people. Workplace bullying is not a case of personality conflicts or disagreements about management styles: it is a destructive form of rot eating away at the foundation of any business that does not actively seek it out and eliminate it.
Until it is made clear to the CEOs, CFO’s and COOs who ignore, support or even encourage workplace bullying that it damages their bottom line they will continue to dismiss the problem. The cost of hiring, training, paying severance packages, and defending against “wrongful dismissal” lawsuits is enormous. Lost productivity wreaks fiscal havoc. Do they think the bullies have the time & energy to do their own jobs properly while they’re plotting and maneuvering against the women who are usually the most productive workers on the payroll?
A clear picture, preferably in numerical form, showing the financial damage done by high staff turnover and lost productivity due to sabotage, high stress and stress-related sick days would be helpful in persuading business to take this issue very seriously. They are certainly not responding to the thousands of hard-working women who are being mercilessly hounded and harassed while trying desperately to support their families in a very difficult economy. The shame belongs to the perpetrators and their enablers, not the victims.
“Nice guys finish last” should be a giant red flag, not an incitement to wipe “nice” from the face of the earth.
Susan
Unfortunately, most corps are immune to the “business case” about fiscal impact of bullying. However, I take your call to preserve humanity in our work as a philosophical one. Point well taken. GN
I noticed several posts were from nurses or those working in health care. I also read that the problem of bullies, in the form of screaming and rude doctors was now being addressed as it was found to negatively affect patient care.
I see articles about nurse bullying in the workplace. I hope this is the beginning of a positive trend.
Many of the stories here are so familiar, in that they are very similar to personal and friends’ experiences. I read, nodding my head many times.
Thank you to the Namies for writing a very valuable book and I have put some of the advice into practice with success!
I once had a job where I learned much too late that a particular individual had been talking to my immediate supervisor when I wasn’t there. Someone confided it to me after my sup. fired me. While I worked there I just let that individual’s overt rudeness fall off me like water off a duck’s back ie. taking the high road. I was performing very well, exceding expectations, impressing those at head office. The rude individual was not even paid by the same company so I thought I was untouchable.
At first I was angry that my informant didn’t tell me sooner, but many people are too afraid to speak up for many reasons while it is happening. But I am grateful that she did because in retrospect knowing why I was fired meant I could go about restoring my own empowerment. I sought to learn how to deal with such covert manipulation to try and ensure someone else of that ilk doesn’t push me out the door again.
Lesson #1, turning the other cheek & taking the moral high road is sometimes not the best way to protect oneself.
Once again, in the past year I have encountered a bully or two.
I work in a very good company. I did my homework, applied, and chose to accept the job because of their values. I have found out that they truly stand behind and enforce their claims. Rare, I know!
So, yes, it is incredibly important to have an employer who takes bullying seriously and will not tolerate it. I got support after filing a complaint. Before that, I approached trusted people & asked careful questions without naming names and got valuable answers & learned I wasn’t the only one.
But I also realize that the game-playing will not stop. I can’t control what someone thinks and what they tell their workplace friends.
But! I can change how I react to it.
Here is some of my own personal formula.
How would you support a friend going through the same thing? I gave myself the same compassion and support.
Just as a healthy diet, exercise and regular checkups maintain a strong body, a healthy “diet” of helpful info, along with daily reminders, keep things in perspective and promote a sound mind.
Read and reread helpful info. For me, such info also helped to sharpen my intuition since it is now easier for me to recognize harmful people eg. many bullies can appear very charming. I pay attention to even the slightest discomfort I feel around anyone. I have learned intuition never lies!
Bullies are the minority. I ally myself with those who are genuinely kind. It diminished the bully’s impact.
See the bully for who they really are.
As Dr. Namie says, bullies are chickens!
Try some creative visualization.
Pretend the bully is one inch tall and talking like a highpitched munchkin, then squash them with your foot.
Write notes at home to remind you. Here are mine.
I created these acronyms:
B-benign U-unevolved L-lazy L-lousy Y-yellow-bellied OR I-immature E-empty S-sadsacks.
“Bullies are small”
“A bully has not evolved from long-ago hurts or from being the schoolyard terrorist. That makes them pathetically childish. What’s to admire?”
“It matters more to the bully than it matters to me.”
“I remind the bully of something they think they are lacking”.
Good luck to all, thanks for sharing.
(FYI to Dr. Namie: “Marie” is a pseudomyn, should I give my real name? I need it to be hidden.)
The Executive Vice President of my organization is a woman and a bully. The President (her sidekick) is amused by her treatment of me and views her behavior toward me to be a rivalry between two women. This is not rivalry but a superior officer of the organization bullying a subordinate both of whom happen to be women. The Vice President (the bystander) conveyed to me the President’s view of the situation. He continues to stand by idly even though he has the ability to say something to make this behavior stop. I am actively looking for a new job but it has been tough in this down economy to make a transition quickly.
If he is enjoying it, he is probably a vicarious bully
I have a friend working for the state of Illinois. She is a beautiful black woman and smart too. Ana’s comment in nmbr 50 is so right. When my friends mother died in November that is when she was most vulnerable. While she was out her employer hired another black woman (overweight, not so smart and at twice my friends salary) to come in and the only job she has is to make my friend her target. We thought the state was in a budget crisis but I guess they find money for this kind of stuff. The woman even went about their office bragging about getting the call directly from the governors office to come take the job. The other people in the office know what is happening to her and so do the legislators. They are timid about getting involved because it is election season. So where does my friend go for help when the bullying is coming from the top? Unfortunately, it seems like there is a trend in hiring someone of the same protected class to do the dirty work, if the company thinks they could possibly be sued for discrimination. Even worse is there are people who are ready and willing to take a job to be a bully without realizing that the tables could easily turn and probably will. I think when people sign up to do that kind of work, first is is already in their character and second they themselves have major personal deficiencies.
I told my friend to keep record of everything because I think she already has a book in her.
Curtis, Tell your friend to contact any government worker’s best friend in Illinois, IAMG — Illinois Association of Minorities in Government. Jonathan Lackland may be able to get out the word to shame Gov. Quinn who ordered that our bill there — SB 3566 die or be amended so much as to be unrecognizable. Have your friend help expose how Quinn acts when the state is in budget freefall. G. Namie
Luckily, I had a long history of being respected for my work and ethics. Perfect target according to this information. I thought the main reason my young, new, female boss bullied me was explained by the Jerry McGuire movie. Remember when the football player wanted, not just the money, but the Kwan? That is, the adulation, respect, love of the fans. I think that is what the boss mostly wanted and tried to take. Any moron should know that is something that is developed over time by one’s own actions. It is always, always, always specific to the person. She, I think, was so jealous about that, she tried to destroy me on so many levels. Just for fun and to confuse her, I made up my mind to be the best employee in the place. I was so good. She was furious when I left. I was recruited by someone else. Why? the Kwan, baby. Mine all mine.
Seriously, though, I just realized the other day, that I was P.O.’d for the 3 years I worked with her and for 2 years after I left. I mean furious. It affected me in multiple ways, but ultimately I came up with a much better plan for my future work situation, one I love. I am learning to take the long view. These people come into our lives for a reason. While it is hell and a huge challenge not to succumb to all the negativity and stressful beyond belief while it happens, it can spark motivation to change and look for something better.
The old boss, by the way, I understand, now roams the country trying to get someone to buy her as the next great thing. Never gonna happen. Funny thing is, I knew EXACTLY what she should do to get the recognition she sought. She did, of course, take credit for everything I did the entire time I worked there, but I realized she was not a creator, only a taker. She hired a staff of yes people, so no creativity there — she will NEVER get what she wants, she is not creative or a visionary. She does have the skill to see it in others and steal their work. Another thing I realized: I am much better than I thought. If this woman can steal my stuff and build her mini empire, it must be great. I really should stop underrating myself. Now I am not so free to share ideas or processes. I learned a valuable lesson.
God love all of you who are suffering in your personal situations.
I am a male bullied by two women in my department; my tenure here exceeds both of them put together but they have set me up as the scapegoat for their own mistakes. I have had my work taken away without warning, false information and harmful gossip about completely false accusations spread about me throughout the company, our colleagues, and other people in the industry. They upsurp my work responsibilities; they reprimand me publicly when I do something I have been instructed to by my boss. My boss (who is not one of the bullies) is poor at management and cannot or will not step up to the confrontation that needs to be done. I cannot quit my job or leave it–I have been doing it for 25 years and have no other place that I can go.
I have just begun receiving anonymous email threats plus threats on my blog (non-work, about comic books) that reference events at work, so it is clear they are from someone at my company. One of them was a suggestion that I hang myself in my office. These two women are minorities (one Asian, one gay) and I’ve been told action can’t be taken against them because of this. We are a medium sized company of 300-400 people and we have no HR department.
I have some of this documented but in many cases it is “she said/he said.” I’m 48 and have worked at this company all my life–I have little or nowhere else to go in my industry, especially since one of the bullies has strong connections with other companies in the industry and has spread malicious and false derogatory gossip about me.
And I have just been given a reprimand by my boss that if my behavior of depression and panic attacks continue I will be fired.
[...] One male is stronger than any one female. But no male is stronger than many females. As women, we tend to isolate ourselves. At the office, we backstab our female colleagues and women are mostly bullied by other women. [...]
[...] One male is stronger than any one female. But no male is stronger than many females. As women, we tend to isolate ourselves. At the office, we backstab our female colleagues and women are mostly bullied by other women. [...]
HR are about as useful as a fish on a bicycle in these situations – biggest waste of time and money! Next time I get back in the workforce (studying at the minute), I will ask in the interview if there’s an HR representative or department. If there is, I will walk out of said interview, – they have made my life hell at work making decisions on workloads they know nothing about, and rabbiting on about perception.
I had a boss with severe narcissistic personality disorder who worked for the State of California. This man was unbelievable. Typical bureaucrat who even told us his objective was to be on vacation as much as possible till he retires in a few years. Made it clear everything we did had to be for him. We were not to make more work for him by doing anything but the minimum. He used intimidation, threats, insults, and bullying. In fact, this is how this agency works–the entire agency works by intimidation and bullying. I just could not take it anymore. They kept him in his position despite MULTIPLE complaints against him. I went to my union and just as I was filing a grievance against him, he announced he was leaving–to go to another state agency where he went on vacation for two weeks immediately but at least he was gone. People THANKED ME when he left. (Co-workers, not management). I was so happy. Finally I could do my job. His replacement turned out to be a friend of his, a psychotic woman prone to rages, who told me she was not going to “let up” on me and she proceeded to go after me so brutally, it culminated in her taking me into a room where she lost it and began screaming at me to the point where I was fearful and left the room. Of course, I was not the first. I was later visited by other employees who had been subjected to the same thing–these people all beaten down to nothing. Very sad. The whole experience of working for this agency still traumatizes me. I quit which is what they wanted me to do, of course. Now they are going after my unemployment. I am 50 years old and the age discrimination is terrible and this was part of why they outed me. I also refused to act unethically and was pressured to do so.
All I wanted to do the entire time on this job was do my job and I was very good at it.
This agency is run by a board that itself has been charged with corruption. Nothing has changed.
I am aware of their new target….another middle aged woman.
I think if attorneys advertised for class action lawsuits for employees who have left the State of California or been bullied out, they would have a few class action lawsuits fairly quickly. There are a lot of us out here, mostly middle aged women.
Our governor right now, however, is a brutal heartless bully and it is apparently being transmitted from his office to senior staff to treat people so heartlessly or they are just getting it through osmosis.
I am still looking for an attorney if anyone has suggestions. I am talking to a few right now. While I would like to put this behind me and move on, I am too angry at the incredible level of injustice and cruelty I was subjected to, it needs resolution. I think many organizations in this country are sick. The good people leave while the dysfunctional ones enable one another and repress and deny there is anything wrong. This is tax payers money they are wasting. Healthy fully functional work places serve the taxpayer best, not ones in which sick people prop one another up and drive the real talent OUT.
This is a real problem and my heart goes out to the victims. These people are sociopaths with no capacity for compassion at all. Watch out.
Thank you
Having a female at the top of a male-dominated business does little for the rank-and-file women. Even having equal male-female ratio in management does little to change the workplace environment. These are myths, too. I can tell you from my own experience. The female is there to provide the ‘lipstick’ so the organization can say, “see, we’re done; we’ve made it equal.”
The women came up on the same stereotypes as the men and are not immune to gender bias against their own, because they have a view of their gender as generally inferior. The token doesn’t t want to lose her feeling of being special, so she does not welcome more women with open arms.
The token usually loses her idealism in favor of the male standard once accepted into the group.
This is so true. For a female CEO to be stereotypically benevolent, she has to lead a female-dominant culture. Studies show this. There is tremendous pressure on “tokens,” the first to serve in any non-traditional role.
I work for a small company where there is no HR Department.
In fact there are only 5 of us there including the Manager.
All of us are experiencing bullying by one of the 5 five people.
The yelling screaming, making up lies and threats.
This is also one of the few women I have met that brags abouts being violent with her children and
boyfriend(s).
The Manager always gives in and gives her way,
from my point of view she appears to be afraid.
I have tried talking to the Manager about it and all I can get is “ignore her” or “have as little contact with her as possible”.
Difficult to do when she gets in my workspace when I’m trying to work and refuses to leave.
Anyway, I’m documenting everything.
Anyone have any advice?
Thank you very much for this information. I have been devouring it for the past several months. I am a female professional with a Master’s degree in Urban Planning. I was recently driven out of my job by a bully.
I tried many times to address the bullying in my office. I had a young female boss who was the golden person of our nonprofit organization, basically untouchable.
I am a very conscientious person who always wants to give a person the benefit of the doubt, and so originally I attributed the way I was being treated to my manager’s lack of experience managing (I was the first person she had ever managed). Being an empathetic and forgiving woman, I bent over backwards to try to help make her job as easy as I could. I was a model employee.
However, eventually I began to feel as though it was impossible for me to continue giving her the benefit of the doubt. I noticed that she would glower in meetings when my accomplishments were noted by the Executive Director. She would take projects away from me for no reason and finish them herself, usually projects that had the potential to make me look good. She would focus on petty details in my work and refuse to give me positive feedback. At the end, she had stripped me of all of my duties. I literally had no work to do.
Despite the fact that I complained formally, both to her and the Executive Director, and informally, to trusted co-workers, nothing happened. The bullying actually intensified.
I quit on Monday. I believe that I was driven out intentionally by my boss because I was perceived as a threat and a potential whistle blower.
Though I thought I left with my confidence intact, and that I was better off, I am concerned that I may be experiencing some PTSD. I could not sleep last night, and I began experiencing some very intense emotions–I oscillated between extreme crying and numbness for a few hours. Thank God I have the most supportive husband in the world who sat with me through this night terror.
I do believe that I will seek some counseling to get through this. I just hope that I can find one who truly understands this phenomenon.
I truly believe that the bullying I endured for the past year was fostered by the organizational culture. Although I was the only one who seemed to experience this treatment from my boss, most of my co-workers admitted that they had been treated badly by the Executive Director, also a woman. I believe that no one feels safe coming forward, because they fear the abuse will intensify if they do and they do not want to lose their jobs in this challenging economic climate. Many of them also have families and small children to support.
I am just disgusted at the fact that organizations, especially nonprofits that pride themselves on civil service, can treat their own staff this way.
The day before I left voluntarily, I wrote up a 13 page report documenting the emotional abuse I endured. A coworker suggested that I give it to a board member, but I am afraid.
I am meeting with one of my mentor’s from my Master’s program, a very conscientious woman, on Saturday to discuss my experience. She was the one who originally recommended me for the job I left and is on the Steering Committee for the organization. I do not believe she has any idea what is going on in this organization. At this time, she is the only one that I feel safe talking to about this experience. I feel that it will be therapeutic for me to tell someone, even if only this one person, about what has happened to me. I have to do something. It is difficult for me to do nothing in the face of injustice.
Thanks again for this info. I hope those of us who have gone through this can somehow effect broad change together.
I think a socially systemic pattern is being searched for, when a sociobiological one suits occam’s razor much better. In my experience, females have *no* loyalty to each other and their social instincts are, simply, much more brutal than those of males. The “sisterhood” is nothing but wishful thinking.
I think women know this instinctively.
Males contest directly and seek power. Women seek power, but their contests seem to be less direct, and hidden. And their jealousies go way beyond their competition for men. The capacity to be jealous among females is way, way too pronounced for it to be mere coincidence.
What I find interesting is that when women are the bullies, it’s not the women in particular that are blamed – instead, systemic problems are fingered. These ultimately blame men and “maleness” in some form – for selecting belligerent women for supervisory roles, for creating an abusive culture, etc. This is interesting, but it appears to be an ideological response and doesn’t reflect reality as I’ve seen it.
It’s something to think about.
I’ve worked in mostly-female and majority-female environments for much of my life, and have had many female supervisors.
As a male, I’ve noticed that women have usually treated me as well as male co-workers and supervisors. I’ve also noticed that women, in the last 10 years, are generally treated well by men. So the difficulties between genders seem to be retreating (albeit slowly in some cases) in my experience.
However, one thing women seem loathe to admit but that appears to be a near-universal:
I don’t think it’s male social structures that are causing intra-woman problems.
Boys are bullies and can be physically brutal. But there’s no brutality like the casual, vicious cruelty that young girls dish out to each other. They can destroy with a single word, laser-like, coldly calculated, meant to destroy a target’s ego. The object is to socially obliterate their opponents. They do this to acquire social status not with men: They do it to acquire social status with each other. This is an entirely Female-Female phenomenon, and has no male equivalent or justification.
Take other mammals: Male dogs can fight, but they’re direct and confrontational. And they rarely fight to the death. Female dogs may appear supplicatory and nice, but dog trainers know that female dogs are dangerous to keep together; often one female dog will simply turn on another without warning, and in cases where death is involved, female dogs are usually the culprits.
Why?
They remember slights; they calculate and coldly measure their moments, and when they go in for the kill, they don’t hesitate or feel remorse. And they kill. So female dogs are more dangerous to keep together than male dogs.
Male dogs establish a hierarchy, and leave it at that; if it’s contested, it’s a short fight.
But let’s be straight here: it’s no male environment or patriarchal force creating the WOW bullying phenomenon.
A pretty, young woman who moves into an office environment knows that her greatest enemies will be other women. She’s seen this all her life.
All of my female compatriots who have “enemies” at work all say – their enemies are female.
I think this quest to find a male-centered reason for this effect is disingenuous and dishonest.
There’s a much simpler and much more realistic explanation.
I worked at a company once, where there were 6 women and two men (one me) in a large office.
One manager was female (about 45-50); the rest were in their 30′s-40′s. I was 27, my male coworker 32.
One of the women was a nightmare to work with. She was 41, and was formerly quite pretty (being 41, no longer so much). She was bossy; took huge amounts of attention; monopolized the attention of my male coworker (who was attractive), and, while loud, tried to avoid any work responsibilities.
From the first day I was there, she went on about how everyone was exploiting her and was insulting. While she gave about 45% of the effort of the rest of us, she complained incessantly about everything. I do mean, *everything*.
The manager was terrified of her, because she was exactly the type of person likely to get her fired. So this woman got away with murder. She was frequently late, missed deadlines, was haughty and demanding.
The manager was one of the most professional and upright people I’ve ever met, male or female. She was a joy to work for. She was also highly competent, and not a pushover under normal circumstances, and her list of credentials was impressive.
But the disruptive 41-year-old woman made snide comments *all* the time; but only to the other women. One, 31 years old, was quite a stunner and sweet to boot. This 31 year-old was literally tortured by the 41 year-old. It was merciless, but very, very subtle, and it continued until, at one point, the young woman went home in tears.
Inevitably, the 41 year-old filed a harassment and abuse complaint. The lawsuit took 2 years to run its course, and the company ended up paying out $250,000 to get rid of her. She wrote up a 22-page deposition on how the company had abused her.
I must say this: once she was gone, the office started to work and hum along nicely.
It’s odd, but the woman who had filed the abuse complaint was easily the most abusive, judgmental, trigger-happy narcissist I’ve ever met. She made life living hell for the rest of us. And yet, many women supported her (those that didn’t work with her; she was good at forming alliances outside the department).
Every situation she was involved in became poisonous; she was like social arsenic.
She had a grotesque air of profound entitlement about her.
While she complained of bullying, she was the biggest female bully I’ve ever met. And with the least justification: she was a mediocre worker, at best.
When she spoke with her friends, they all supported her. “Yes, it’s terrible”, etc. – they all backed her up and told her how awful this environment was.
It’s impossible to know exactly what’s gone on in a situation based on what people write here. I can’t come to any conclusions about what other posters have written. I can no longer take complaints at face value.
Far too many people have issues with feeling too entitled.
One thing I’ve noticed: there’s a tendency to posit better motives for women than men in all situations. Somehow, women are a priori seen as “purer” or, like a form of chivalry, “morally better” than men.
This is an error, in my experience. There are as many venal, abusive, power-hungry and amoral women as men.
You don’t need a systemic Male-Domination theory to explain this effect.
Many women are abusive and are jerks. That’s it. jerky people often get things done or seem like they do. Like men, they advance.
Women don’t make better social environments based on the fact that they’re women. Far from it: evidence I’ve experienced seems to show that female-dominated workplaces are often easier for cruel, brutal and vicious women to manipulate and dominate. And such women have far fewer ethical limitations than their equivalent in men.
Until women can see without the blinders of male-domination ideology, they’ll continue to be victims to each other.
Sisterhood is wishful thinking.