I think, you have described pretty much what my life is like too. Kinda lonely isn’t it… I also ask what all the envy is for, because surely people can get on with doing something they like, and try to get the things they want, instead of punishing those they think have it easy. This is what people think about me. They think I have a charmed life of leisure, as many of them don’t know about the work place mobbings that happened in almost all the jobs I had. And, you are right, bullying by others also happens in social situations. It has made me wary of people in general, and as you put it, I don’t ask myself ‘if’, I ask myself ‘when’ about the friends I make.

That is similar to a comment I often make. The things the bullies bully for seem to be not all that worthwhile. For sure, some things they claw each others eyes out for are nice and flattering to get, but that is all they are, and they lose this quality if bullies are around ”competing” for the minor honours and treats.

Through the storm, their will be sunshine cause Jesus knows and sees everything that is happening. I perform my job efficiently. The truth always reveals.  Always be ahead, and cover all grounds, so they have nothing on you.  (supervisors hate that tiacs) Keep your head up and keep smiling. Do not let them take your joy from you Danielle.

Amen!!

The fact that you and your sister are so close in age may factor into this somewhat.  If she was a one year old when you were born,  her needs were put second to yours as you were the new baby.  On some level she may have resented it because her needs as a young child were not met, she has been in pain too and probably took it out on you.  Neither of you are at fault, it’s just life.

True beauty comes from within.  It does not matter what what you look like on the outside.  Realize your own self worth…If some one tells you that you are pretty, just say “Thank you”, smile and change the subject quickly to something else. 

I know that when people give compliments, it can make you uncomfortable, a quick thank you and changing the subject will suffice.  You could kid around with them…Yeah, you should see me in the morning without my make up, before I have my coffee in a light funny way.

When I was a younger woman (I’m 55 now), people used to focus on how I looked and although they meant it in a complimentary way, I used to feel very uncomfortable, and then get mad because I felt like they were only seeing my exterior when as a person I had intelligence and a good sense of humor.

It is hard to be a sensitive soul in this world…You are a very accomplished person with your education and you should be very proud of the hard work that you did to achieve that.

Don’t give up on people.  There are good people in the world, but we are all works in progress, we all have our good days & our bad days.

Enjoy your pets…

Although my boss decided to lay me off, I am still on good terms with her.  The bosses there were aware of what was going on and were trying to protect me for a while.  It is a small company and they were also worn out by this too.

It has been hard, I think they were afraid that if anything happened to me they would be faced with a lawsuit as my family and friends knew what was happening to me in the office. 

My former boss knows how her relative is and that there is a bad lot of people in there. 

Best of everything beautiful,

Nirvana’s Journey

Listen to the victim.  She/He is often the one who is experienced and proficient at the job, and is also the one who has ruminated or mulled over the problem in the workplace more than anyone else.  She knows what she’s talking about.

Good luck

danielle
OMG, your story is so much like mine. I would love to meet you and talk. I read your story after I posted my remarks. Dr. Gary Namie, how can we make this happen?

For many years there was no HR to go to, and since our upper administration has changed three times in the past 12 years, there has been no one to remember or keep track of the turnover and loss. Furthermore, no amount of complaining and reporting to upper administration has been effective because the perpetrator, J, is deeply entrenched in the institution in ways that provide needed revenue. Thus, the management has never been able to justify getting rid of her or even transferring her to a non-supervisory position.

What also complicates matters is that the perpetrator is very personable, outgoing, and capable in some areas while at the same time unconsciously treating her underlings like children and acting like a child herself when confronted. Her likable personality, plus her position that generates revenue, allows her great room for manipulating people around her.

I have worked in her department ever since I began here and have experienced first hand her irrationality, mistreatment of others, selective forgetting, haphazard organization skills, and manipulation of the truth but, as a male, have been spared the worst of it. I chose to transfer to a position away from directly working with her but still work with those who continue to work under her direction. It is clear that she favors males, especially older males, but males in general, and that younger females suffer the most under her.

I feel that I too have suffered emotionally as I have watched over a dozen highly capable and talented co-workers get chewed up and spit out of an abusive workplace environment that they didn’t know they were getting into. I have been in the role of helping others cope with the abuse, have had meetings with them, listened, and given background and advice. But I have had to watch these talented young women get beaten down to the point of giving up since all attempts to change the situation have so far failed.

Very true. When I eventually began standing up to my female bully in verbal and written form, and both in private, in front of another boss (a male), and in writing, she would turn it all around to make me look like a trouble maker, she would say I was not a “team player.”

Apparently, when these jerks abuse you, you’re supposed to just sit there and take it. If you defend yourself, they try to make you look like the guilty party or instigator, and that, in my opinion is even worse than the actual bullying.

The horrible boss who harassed me and other people was in her 50s, she dressed dowdy and unfashionable (always in pants, I never saw her in a dress/skirt), and she was not attractive. She had super short ‘butchy’ hair, wore glasses, and looked like a troll doll.

Most members of our team refuse to work for her. For a long time, only one other employee and I reported to her. The other employee (a man) decided he wasn’t going to stand her ranygazoo, so he complained to a sympathetic higher manager (now gone, alas). The higher-up laid down the law, so my boss, to protect her own hide, was forced to play it cool with this one subordinate. Now she concentrates most of her control-freak bullying on me. I am naturally self-doubting and guilt-ridden, so I am easily manipulated. She homes in on those weaknesses and goes in for the kill. She doesn’t scream, rage, or anything like that. Instead, she is covert-aggressive, employing extremely clever manipulation to break my will and get her way.”

That sounds exactly like the toxic place I used to work, with the incompetent computer illiterate boss I had. You have my sympathies.

Not that all men are great, though. I did have one jerk of a male coworker on the job where an incompetent female boss was bullying me. He gave me some grief on occasion, but not nearly as bad as the female boss.

I did have some friendly female coworkers who were laid back, but my experience has been that many women tend to get worked up over any thing and every thing (even small stuff), while most men do not.

Most men let things slide right over them. Most of males don’t want drama or get caught up in it, nor do most of them nit pick or get offended at every little thing, like so many females I’ve had to work with or for.

Some women, though, are addicted to drama and love to intentionally stir up trouble on the job, and they love playing head games with other people. Men don’t seem to care about or want drama (neither do I).

To the person (bebeloves) who said you confronted the bully but still got fired…

I am truly sorry you lost your position, but IMO, it’s far better to confront and have to get a new job. For one thing, if you get bullied enough, you will get so stressed that you will end up quitting anyway.

Secondly, as someone who is recovering from codependent behavior, I’ve learned it’s better to confront people regardless of any risks involved, because otherwise, you live in fear of other people and fear of things that might not ever come to pass (a lot of imagined fears never come to pass).

You might as well confront the jerk idiot at your boss, because if you don’t, they are guaranteed to keep harassing you anyway.

And if they keep at it, you will eventually quit. So the way I figure it, you really have nothing to lose by telling them to knock it off.