January 7th, 2010
Life Beyond Workplace Bullying: Guest Blog
By Cheryl Ward, BSRT, RN
I was making great money, loved my job and my customers, the retirement plans, and the company car. All this experience yet nothing prepared me for the unexpected environment I entered into at age 48.
“Borrow trouble for yourself, if that’s your nature, but don’t give it to your neighbor.” –Rudyard Kipling
Perhaps Rudyard Kipling knew something about bullying…He didn’t want it, nor did I.
I didn’t know it was workplace bullying until I saw Dr. Gary Namie on Good Morning America in 2004. By then I was in so deep…my health had suffered while I tried to keep working in the dog eat dog world of pharmaceutical sales. Having been a nurse and respiratory therapist for nine years had taught me strong work ethics and giving 110% in all situations as my work could mean the difference between life and death.
Having two successful businesses for 13 years prepared me for long hours, determination, positive energy, working independently, focusing, and achieving goals. All this experience yet nothing prepared me for the unexpected environment I entered into at age 48.
I was making great money, loved my job and my customers, the retirement plans, and the company car. Being a single mom raising three children, paying college expenses, the house payments, the pool, yard, and cleaning services, $500 a month utility bills, insurance, groceries, and family vacations caught me in a hamster’s wheel of life – a series of repetitive motions.
I knew I was in a desperate situation when I told my son to sue the company I worked for if I suffered a heart attack. I was angry. Here I was working for the top medical company in the world yet the bullying increased with every success I achieved. Management decided my fate and I was told I would never be promoted. I could leave if I didn’t like it. I had the all American dream and lifestyle that was slowly killing me. How could I change my life and survive on less money? The answer came, but not easily.
Perhaps if I had seen Dr. Namie’s segment on hostile work environments and workplace bullying a few months (or years) earlier I would have been able to “name it” and take action, while I had a choice. My wake up call came after I had a complete meltdown and was immobilized in bed for days on end. Clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, body aches, shortness of breath, sweating, nightmares, sleeplessness, weight gain, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a burned out thyroid were the result of “hanging in there” way past what management had in mind for me. I became one more statistic as part of the 30% of people who additionally develop PTSD from bullying. In the end, they succeeded…I left my job, but not by choice.
I became totally and permanently disabled. The stigma of mental illness in our society is damaging in itself and one that will decrease only through education. PTSD is an injury not an illness but many people do not understand the difference; nor do they seem to care to understand. By not seeing an injury or illness one denies it even exists and the person with a psychiatric injury or illness may even be labeled as a malingerer. Sure, it’s just what I always dreamed of, all 35 working years in my medical related career.
After four years of discrimination litigation, five “Independent Medical Exams” paid for by the employer, retaliation and loss of disability pay when the trial ended, ongoing litigation to get benefits reinstated, five years of psychiatric care, loss of my home, car, and $30,000 in legal fees paid from savings…life has changed, yet, I am thankful!
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” George Elliot
Life after workplace bullying is one of daily adjustments. I have learned that less is more and money does not buy time, health, or happiness. I have also learned to ask for help if I need it. This has been the most difficult adjustment, as my experience was to be a giver. It is much easier to give than receive; but now I see the joy in others as I accept help and love from family and friends. I am more humble. I see the small things are the most important things…I have time to smell the roses, play with my grandson, read, listen to music, take long baths, watch the birds and butterflies, walk my Labrador and write about him too.
Miller’s Red Vest is my illustrated children’s book about my yellow Labrador becoming a Psychiatric Service Dog (PSD). We have a special commitment to look after one another…if Miller sees me become anxious, he nudges me. He protects my space and watches me when we are in public. Having him with me helps me to focus on him when leaving home and lessens my fear.
Miller is a working dog and allowed to go in public places as any other service dog. He travels with me and flies in the cabin as my service dog. While traveling abroad I saw the need to write a book about invisible injuries to teach children (and adults). Not all disabilities are visible to the eye but they are still real. Miller tells his own story of becoming his best friend’s service dog.
As I seek ways out of the depression and anxiety I experience; I write about Miller. The process of writing has also brought my sister and me closer together as a writing team and support system. Writing Miller’s story gives us hours of creativity and collaboration, laughter, and tears, as Miller leads us through his journey to help me overcome the effects of workplace bullying.
Miller’s Red Vest is the first in a series of children’s stories about Miller’s adventures and how he teaches people about bullying, discrimination, and how to become more understanding of invisible injuries. He expresses how important his job is and what it means to wear his red vest.
Copyright 2010 Cheryl Ward
Tags: Cheryl Ward, healing, invisible injury, Miller's Red Vest, recovery, service dog
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 7th, 2010 at 12:51 pm and is filed under Bullying Tutorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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Beautifully written. I am so proud of you!
Thank you, Mary Ellen, for taking the time to read the blog and your comments!
I observed this corporate train wreck in action, over the past decade.
This region’s sales unit was among the top in sales volume in the previous decade. That motivated team aggressively pursued medical conventions, offering presentations any gathering of doctors and medical insurers of the aging or infirm.
Tens of millions of dollars of annual sales
were flushed away, due to the poor decisions made by the Corporate Board, and a failed HR plan.
“Corporate” decided to be PC, to avoid potential lawsuits from “educated” Hispanic, and “other” minority males, after losing a lawsuit by Hispanic/minority women, who demanded “affirmative action” in hiring, despite their lack of qualifications.
They demanded, and expected, free job training in the medical fields to able enough to sell the drugs to the HMOs, hospitals, nursing homes.
Hiring a male Hispanic ‘team manager’ who lacked any abilities in medical terminology necessary to sell pharmaceuticals, and who was disdainful of the medical sales professionals, women, client doctors, and nurses, was a primary mistake of the Board of this leading pharmaceutical company.
His bullying and abuse, and a hidden past of problems, destroyed sales and fractured the team, causing this once successful force of two dozen experienced RNs to quit, retire early, or, for many, incur permanent disabilities!
Having sabotaged tens of millions of dollars of annual sales, over 4 years, he was finally placed in charge of the mop closet, but, it was too late to save this region’s sales, or, the careers of most of the previously successful professionals on that team.
The corporate decision (based on legal advise) to react with “affirmative action” and Politically Correct decisions, based upon paranoid fears of potential lawsuits by unqualified job applicants, cost massive sales loses in other regions, nationwide, as well.
The subsequent fight of all claims of disability certainly cost as much in court costs, loss of prestige, and future sales, as the cost of having a HR Department that could repair the problems as they happened.
This entire episode is evidence of gross ineptitude on all management levels, and blind obedience to abysmal legal advise.
It is a testament to the total failure of corporations selecting the option of adopting a PC agenda in response to perceived threats towards any employer not invoking affirmative action in hiring.
This could be my story, exactly. Wow. I am still recovering, physically, mentally, financially.
Rose, thank you for your comment.
Courage is picking up the pieces and moving forward one day at a time.
This is really good!
It has made me realise that not everything nor everyone comes across as how it/they seem at first glance, and has really made me think.
The story ‘Miller’s Red Vest’ Is also amazing, and everyting that Cheryl writes is putting across geuine life stories and circumstance, to help people to understand. I enjoy reading everything she writes, and can’t wait to read anything that she plans to write in the future! Keep on writing Cheryl! -Beth. x
Dear Beth,
You are a mature and wise young woman beyond your
teen years. Thank you for your comments.
I left my previous employer, a large swiss insurance company in Hong Kong in May 2009 due to workplace bullying.
It was totally a nightmare, I have been asked to cover other personal assistants from 7am till after midnight for event managements and I have been asked to work in this shift continuously for 2 weeks, I could only sleep for 3 hours a day after I got home and took a shower, I have been asked to do packings and heavy loading works for office removals which eventually hurted by back, I have been asked to do document collection work which should be done by messengers, I have been yelled, shouted, ignored, isolated by other personal assistants for 7 months.
Receptionist could walk freely into my bosses rooms without looking at me, when I asked her nicely of what can I do for her, she shouted to me at once and told me that she would prefer to talk to my bosses directly however I was the one hired as their Personal Assistant and I should be the one to look after these office duties, when the guests came, the receptionist called my bosses instead of me, she and other personal assistants blocked me off from all incoming guests, these girls stole my works, made me feel useless and less important because my works were good and colleagues from overseas always left good comments on my works to my superiors and I work solely independent to complete all my tasks in proper manner within tight deadline, however I was still a humble person in the office and had never tried to take any credits for the works I have done well, instead of, I emphasised that the work was successful due to everybodys’ hardworkings.
Other assistants used all their efforts to make me feel bad and pushed me to the edge. They create unnecessary tensions between me and my bosses and eventually our relationship broken down. An HR administrative officer also plays a part in this drama, she is befriend to these personal assistants.
I reflected my difficulties and the issues of workplace bullying to my bosses as well as the CEO office but they took no action against these dramas because they thought it was all about my poor interpersonal skills.
To leave the office did not mean I am failed, but I have to get a better life for myself.
Dear SS,
You are fortunate to have realized your health and wellbeing are more important than the job.
Good luck in your new endeavors!
You should recognize how good your work is/was. Why else would they steal it?
They were obviously afraid of the superiors seeing you as you were — outstanding. The initiative to exclude you wasn’t about you. It was about them pushing themselves forward. You were perceived as in their way. These are the people I think of as living in perpetual shortage: Not enough praise to go around, so they have to get it ALL. Not enough kudos. My friend an I always laugh about the “Kudos shortage”. In their minds if you get any, there is not going to be any for them. They are pathetic. Move on to a place where you will be appreciated.
Cheryl Ward has always been a talented, intelligent, self-motivated, hard-working, and creative person.
She has done an outstanding job in her essay and book, “Miller and the Red Vest”, to educate and bring forth how bullying can affect a person’s life and every aspect of being a human being.
It is an honor and privledge to call her my close friend. I am so very, very, proud of her and her accomplishments.
Well done, my very special friend, well done.
Dear Chris,
You have been a friend throughout life and seen me
first handedly fight the affects of bullying.Thank you for your continued love,
emotional support, prayers and friendship.
[...] For Cheryl Ward’s full post: http://www.workplacebullying.org/2010/01/07/life-beyond-guest/#more-2026 [...]
HooRaaa great story. I am still suffering by the hands of the serial bullier, which hired herself, yes her, a side kick bullier, her too. From taking months off to recover, to returning to the same toxic environment, I am now being ignored, and with nothing to do, no work, Nada, nothing, sit and do nothing, but punch a time card twice a day so the bullies can keep track of me. I sit in silence listening to the new people laugh like I used to before I became the target.
You’d think I was a half wit nobody but I work for the biggest Defense Contractor in the World, yep at a senior level too! The only reason they haven’t canned me is, I suppose I am a Disabled Veteran. I believe everyday there is something better out there for me, but god help the “New kid in town” when I leave! Watch out folks!
Dear Paula,
Thank you for your committed service to our country.
I hope you find another place to use your talents and abilities…be strong and be proactive to save your health.
I work in two elementary schools one of my administrators has been bullying me for two years.
It is amazing to me that we have meetings and workshops to teach children how to behave.
The very person who should be modeling behavior is a bully.
He talks the talk but does not walk the walk.
It is very hard to respect someone like that.
Dear Bullied in Education,
It is indeed a shame that the people responsible to teach our children about not bullying are often not following these lessons.Education and medical systems have the highest bullying statistics. Guard your health and find another avenue for your talents if necessary.
Hi this is a great story. I myself am being bullied but not in the same way. Mine is more the emotional type. Where you are ignored and you walk in the room talking ceases. Then you try to get into the conversation and they change the subject or quit talking. It is so weird. Totally makes you so feel like you do not belong there.
Dear Linda,
You are recognizing that bullying can be in silence and being ignored. That is the first step to doing something about it. Good luck in these challenges.
I was offered a position in a ‘professional’ office less than a year ago. One of my coworkers applied for my position when my predecessor left. Out of animosity for not getting the position, she made my life a living hell in the brief time I was employed there. Management refused to do anything. They simply allowed it to happen.
Sadly, my coworker from hell wasn’t 18 or 20 – she was 50!!
Dear Kathy,
Key words “the brief time I was employed there.”
Glad to see you recognized the bullying early on!
I hope your present work situation is much more positive.
I left an extremely toxic workplace successfully in late December (with a bonus – who would’ve thunk it?)and I haven’t looked back since. I held down two jobs. The extremely toxic place was my primary job. I got more hours at my secondary job, which is toxic, but not in a life threatening way. The hardest part about recovering from a toxic workplace is wondering if the same thing will happen again. When you have students, co-workers and management who have intentionally manipulated and attempted to undermine your teaching – how can you just churn out cover letters and resumes with confidence?
Many people in my field love what they do and stay in it forever. But in my experience, I have noticed that while people are well intentioned, poor management and constantly inconsistent rules and a pattern of blaming people are the norm. Many instructors stay and stay and stay. Sometimes I wonder if it is because they are stuck, love it that much, or a little bit of both.
I really think that self fulfilling prophecy does work. I stuck myself in a pattern of negative thinking and ended up in such draining contexts, personal and workplace. So my conjecture for many who recover from toxic workplace situations is to work themselves out of defeat driven thinking.
After a particularly aggravating morning, I realized that if I really want to recover, I have to believe that I will recover and will be equipped to find a new job that will be a better fit for my abilities and talents and will actually provide medical insurance so my parents can finally retire!
Dear Sour Grapes,
There is no such thing as a toxic environment not being life threatening. Toxic is toxic; just like there isn’t such a thing as being a little bit pregnant. Do take it serious and look for an environment that is positive to use your talents!
Good luck.
Where can one obtain your book, Miller’s Red Vest?
Cheryl has not yet published her book Miller’s Red Vest. Contact her by e-mail for the latest info. see_brittany@yahoo.com
Dear Karen,
Thank you for your interest in Miller’s Red Vest.
I will let you know when it is available.
Thank you to Cheryl for her inspiring story, and Dr. Namie for the very useful website I have visited *many* times over the past few months.
After years of toxic bullying abuse, mostly overt for years and now covert, I finally named my experience in December as bullying. It was both empowering and frightening. Empowering in the sense that I no longer internalized what was happening and blamed those responsible for unethical and hurtful behaviors. Frightening in the sense that I didn’t know what to say, how describe it and, most importantly, how to make it stop.
After a brief medical leave, I confronted the bully head on in front of management in February. It was ugly and I had never been pushed to that point — the point of anger, frustration, helplessness, etc — in my life, and hope to never again. I have been on the [rocky] road to recovery ever since because, as trite as it sounds, the truth shall indeed set you free.
After the confrontation, there has been signals managements knows that is something more going on. Still, everyone’s hands are tied: Even bullies have rights, and the bully is extremely angry that he was humiliated and outed in front of management. (Too many documented lies can make anyone look bad, even a manipulative snake). It seems that he has been directed to back off; however, he is on the lookout for any opportunity to attack. As Dr. Namie has said, the bully needs to control, and baits me to fight [again and again]; my non-reaction is, in a way, his worst nightmare, it seems.
I’m not sure what my next move is other than to fulfill by duties until June (I’m a teacher ), detach emotionally and physically as much as possible from the toxicity (as a teacher, I do have the luxury of avoiding colleagues most of the time) and speak and stand up for my truth.
And it is stories like this that make each and every day a little easier.
Thank you.
Dear Lucky Moon,
You are indeed Lucky to have recognized workplace bullying, confronted it, and are now moving on. I am touched by your kind words about my blog and I am indeed so delighted that it was an inspiration to you. If you would like to follow Miller’s Red Vest blog about Miller’s new life as a Psychiatric Service Dog to help me in recovery please visit:
http://www.millersredvest.wordpress.com
Stay strong in your courage to stand up for the truth as you have done!
Sincerely,
Cheryl Ward
Cheryl, I am RN 48 hrs after termination after hideous treatment for 3 yrs. I decided I was not playing her games long ago,cost me dearly. I would recommend EMDR for PTSD,have been something even more hideous as this was happening and have lover die of MI at same time. I have triaged accident site with fatality as first responder and then gone to work to be berated for being late. This week is easy compared to last few years,have good attorney,good friends,loving cats and dogs,kids,huge possibilities and the bully has…HR connections. Hmmm.
Would highly endorse another Cheryl connection,Cheryl Caldwell has funny uplifting books,good bully antidotes.
Peace amid the pain,healing of the hurt and power to be the change.
Dear Cheryl,
I apologize for not responding to your comments earlier than now but I truly had forgotten to check to see if there were any comments on my article.
So how is it going for you now, after nearly six months since writing and being away from the bullies? I hope you are well and thank you for your comments and suggestive author!
Cheryl
Hi Cheryl,
I am coming to terms with being bullied by my ex boss and ex friend. I worked for about a year on and off for someone who was very talented and creative but also very abusive and a bully. At first I thought everything was great. I think she took advantage of the fact that I was in a vulnerable position- looking to find my niche and wanting to belong somewhere.
I gave so much of myself to this person and they ended up throwing me away in the worst way possible. She could be really nice- when she wanted to be and generous but looking back I do not think any of it was genuine. In the workplace I was told to f off, given the silent treatment, belittled in front of others, told to shut up, that I was stupid, and screamed at… I was also shoved by her one time. My former boss and friend fits the criteria for some personality disorders. She has no empathy and is not evolved at all. She would go from hot to cold and has anger management issues.
Things all came to a head when I had enough and told her to f off- that she didn’t treat me like a person. When I went back to talk to her she threatened to call the police- after over a year of knowing each other! I got an e-mail a couple of days later her basically firing me and cutting me off personally and professionally.
What really added insult to injury was the fact she manipulated things to make it look like I was the one with the problem. That was a slap in the face. I am trying to make sense of it all. What makes others kick someone when they are down? Why do others have to bully others? At times I wonder if she even thinks about me… even though I know I shouldn’t care.
I feel like everything in me is just wounded right now. I am trying to be strong and go on but it is tough. I know that it is her loss because I expressed many times I wanted her to teach me so I could run the business. I was really looking to belong somewhere but I know this was not it for me. Good for you that you have this site and are an example that there is life after workplace bullying.
Thank you,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Please excuse my extreme tardiness in response as I forgot to check for further comments the last six months!
So how are you doing now? Have you found your niche yet?
I have another article Dr. Namie is posting mid-April. I think you’ll find it to be quite positive on “life after workplace bullying.”
Thank you for your comments and I wish you much success!
Cheryl
I am so thankful to have found this discussion thread. I had never encountered bullying at work and after reading each of your stories, I no longer feel alone.
18 months ago I was offered the job of a lifetime in a career I begun at age 20. In 2009 I left college to accept the position. I had two small children and I thought I was doing the right thing not just for me, but for the boys as well! I had finally found my home. I was on cloud 9 when I began working with my “friend”. I was thrilled to wake up each morning and go to work! This was supposed to be the big break I had been working towards for years!
BUT, shortly after I began , the real personality of this “friend” reared her ugly head. She began sending hateful emails that when printed were at minimum 5 pages long. They were full of underhanded nasty comments, direct blows to not just my work performance (which I gladly put in nearly 60 hours a week for months trying to make everything better), but also my personal life. She attacked the man I have spent the last 13 years with, the father if my children and the love of my life! She criticized him and our parenting (she is 64 with no children). I was eventually cornered in my office on more than one occasion and called names, told I was useless and would have never gotten the job if it were not for her, etc. I demanded she leave my office. She not only refused but stood in front of the door so I couldn’t leave but forced to sit and listen to her tyrade.
I went to management and I was ignored. I went to Employee Realtions where I thought I would find security, confidence and resolution. WRONG! Not only did the HR mgr relay my exact words to the very person bullying me, she forward every email I had written seeking help. The tyrant now had a fully loaded arsenal and came at me full force.
After loosing nearly 30 pounds (I am already a very thin woman, so now I look like a skeleton with skin), developed ulcers, wore a heart monitor and suffering from extreme panic an anxiety attacks that accompany each disturbing memory of the many many arguments…. That is just the surface of the physical manifestation of this impossible situation.
I was eventually transferred to another location (still within the city) but no longer required to deal with the bully. I thought I was safe! Finally! WRONG AGAIN!
My manager accepted a promotion in another state and guess who became my new boss? Not the bully. Worse. Her best friend! My name has been attached to countless false accusations and swnt around in email form to managers of every calliber throught the corporation. I have offered an abundance of physical evidence that the claims against me are false. I have offered emails, cell phone records, computer logs… You name it and I have it! My new boss refuses to even acknowledge the fact that her information just may be wrong, tainted.. LIES!
My doctor has agreed that time off is necessary to put weight back on and get myself back together. I am going to give it my all, but I am absolutely terrified to go back.
I really do not know what to do. I have file folders full of blatant harassment. I want to move on, but I can not work in the same industry as I have learned that these women I work for have gone out of their way to tarnish my reputation. Now what? No degree. No big promotions as promised at the time I was hired, a preteen starting middle achool and a young boy counting on me. I can barely get out of bed let alone smile. I used to smile all the time… I was complimented regularly on my smile and my positive outlook on life. How do I get myself back? How do I get my family to forgive me for having NO FUSE for the last year…
Co-workers no longer speak to me. They glance up when I walk in each morning and may say hello, but nothing more… Ever.
I have never been more lonely, sad and just disgusted with my lack of judgement of this “person”. I am sick. I am tired. I am over this! What will ever happen to the bullies? Anything? Bigger paychecks and more promotions? No one will listen. Is an attorney the best route or going to corporate with specifics? (over the HR mgr’s head that did nothing for me but make life worse).
For the record I do not have enemies, I make friends easily, I am a kind a generous person… Everything I take pride in has been thrown on the pavement and stomped upon.
I am desperate for answers. One attorney I spoke to didn’t seem interested in helping me. Maybe I just didn’t find the right one…
Thank you for listening (reading) and letting me know that I am not alone in this battle.
Dear Catherine,
I suggest reading the Namies’ book, The Bully at Work, if you have not yet read it. Their book helped me to recognize, accept, formulate a plan, and act! It’s encouraging reading and understanding you are not alone and you must change your circumstances. Your health is always the most important factor and you alone can reclaim your health. No amount of proof and documentation in your arsenal against the abusers will change your health. You and you alone have the power to do that. Sometimes it takes time to regain your power that once came so easily but you can do it. You will one day find yourself smiling again.
You may be encouraged to read my follow-up article this year, “Bully No More”, on this site as well. And as far as “What has happened to the bullies?” I too once wondered the same, but it really doesn’t matter to me now. I found if I gave myself the time I took thinking of them, I could give myself more positive energy and focus on becoming well and finding joy in life once again. I no longer allowed the bullies any control or negativity touching my life. It was then I could truly move forward and FEEL life once again.
I left a job that I was severly bullied.I fought back though my resources were depleted.My health was greatly affected. I didn’t just lose money, I lost a dear friend also, she thought I was after money. When your at an at will employer chances are there is no recourse to abuse you endured.
I don’t believe in vengence, the best revenge is when you have nothing to do with it is my motto. I do believe in telling my story so others won’t go through what I did.
I endured years of abuse by a typical queen bee. They type of person who says they never gossips or talks about personal things.Yet that is all they do. Once when this person talked about her grandaughters supposidly sexual abuse I asked her to stop (because I can’t handle hearing that) she continued to talk. Hind sight is 20/20 I wonder if it was a false accusation now, the guy did go to court but was found not guilty and it seems like she always has something happening to her. Close friends have snooped on her,stole from her, she was even shot by an old boyfriend(and so was her husband by the deranged man). Granted no one should ever get shot, but then the hell she put me through I wonder if it is a habit for her to mess with people when the down or mentally unstable?
My boss ended up getting fired as I believe she went into my medical records( I don’t have proof but before I quit she made a statement that later I found to be in my records, we were nurses at a medical clinic). The HR person who encouraged false allegations from the queen bee, eventually that HR person left and went back to her old job. Once she left I felt perhaps I had justice as I knew she would not harass anyone there again.
Of course that didn’t happen as I needed to go in for something at that clinic. Instead of keeping my appointment confidential they called the HR department on how to handle my appt. I no longer work there but they were calling HR to figure out how to service me as a customer??? My former employer should not know of my appointments at that facility. So I guess no closure and yeah they messed it up. However what can I do about it????
I am bankrupt and can’t really take them to court over all the B.S.
I started a new job that I knew there were problems with the staff(that is why they hired two nurses on the night shift), I was warned not to trust so an so. Her daughter even works as the administrative assistant. Right behind where she sits the nurses would warn that the daughter is right out side the door. I needed a job, even though I did not want to supervise I needed money. My first night was with the queenbee the one eveyone thought did her work so good. Right away she talked about the fact she had to write up this other worker…yes the one I was warned about. So miss little queenbee said ” Well I know you shouldn’t take sides but I have a witness” and proceeded to have her witness write something on the fact on this worker and to tell me why the have a problem with this worker. Later the Queenbee called me a liar about something on my orientation. Doesn’t matter. The lady who was bullied confined in me about her difficulties,she tried to find out if anything was said about her. I told her knowing someone has talked about you hurts, but I let her know I have been in her shoes, and I let her know it is workplace bullying.
I got a job offer that was for more money and lots of training plus benifits( I am praying I can avoid falling into the same situations again) I took the job. Even though I will have to relocate. The place I am leaving is a very nice place to work (just like my other job)it’s just bad because of the so called politics and behaviors of staff memebers. I am tossing an idea around I know it sounds stupid and I’m not much of a writer, but I like to write a blog or a book called “shut up and work”, it seems the more people talk bad about each other when there is too much time on there hands, if your busy working it’s hard to fall into the trap.
Dear K,
I empathize with you going through the workplace bullying and applaud you for the courage to change your location and job for a fresh start. I found out that leaving triggers and memories behind helped my healing and road to wellness. I don’t regret for a moment starting a new life in France. I was able to have a clean slate and move forward. Good luck in your new position and sharing the word about workplace bullying.
Sincerely,
Cheryl Ward
Dear Cheryl,
I noticed many typo’s on my previous comment. I didn’t go into too much detail even though I wrote the max of 4000 characters.
My history is I found out this past year I have ADHD, I always knew I had some form of ADD and know with depression can result with some ADD.
I have always been impulsive and this causes me to get singled out. I am aware that this is bothersome to others but I truely cannot help it. I notice it when I make a mistake and someone ojects. I would try hard not to do it( usually interupt when others are talking) and when I needed help I would say please and thank you, but still I came across rude, and I try so hard not to be. One gal came back with ” It’s not what you say it’s how you say it”. Sounds like a legitamite complaint but now I about had it with that statement. When I would say please and thank you, I really meant please and thank you.
Turns out the gal at the new place has ADHD too. It’s not that we are not good workers were just misunderstood. I worked with the gal who is currently getting bullied and she is a good worker.I feel bad and she requested that I go to the DON with my assesment. In away I did right away, the only thing I did not tell the DON was my story.
I failed too many job interviews by being too honest.My last few interviews I deliberately tried not bring up my problems where I was bullied. Sometimes my answers were so bad but I would tell myself that hey I did’t talk about the harassment so that was good. Earlier when I did tell of my harassment at my interviews I sounded like a complete nut job and I kind of was for a good year after my torment.
It is such childish behavior but it hurts. The gal at my current job was told she was being childish, I did admit I was at my former workplace, but still to tell someone at 50 their childish hurts.
Children with ADHD are usually bullied reported that they are bullies too. I think they get picked on for being differnet and then maybe fight back. Or maybe just maybe like us adults they are percieved wrong.
Sometimes when I was shunned at my former work place or was doing most of the work, I would blow up and usually it was directed at the queen bee and I would not always know why (most of the time she was not pulling her weight but she had an excuse and used it often on why she couldn’t keep up…she has a disability, but I didn’t know that gossiping was on the ADA list). I do know now why I would get mad at her and I did work hard for years not flying off the handly with her(her reply was I noticed that you have been good with that recently… I let her know it was years) I have asked myself was I a bully??? No I was reacting when I got mad.
The Queen bee I worked with for years would use relational agression with me…her target. Greatest friendenemy there is. She meddles into peoples lives and acts like the nicest person, it’s really hard to stay mad at her!
Like I said no one deserves to be shot but when I was down and she continued to kick me even used the fact that she worked for me so I couldn’t say anything bad about her….months later with all the mind games she played on me, I truely felt that maybe her old boyfriend was set up, she just didn’t know he would use a gun. I know I am wrong to think that but it was crazy how she betrayed me and messed with me.
Interesting to read your stories. I was bullied at Pocono Medical Center in E Stroudsburg PA and at my home in Saw Creeks Estates, Bushkill PA. Name-calling, threats to me my car, my family, my animals. on and on. relentless. Finally, sold my home for less than I wanted. I had quit my job two years prior and finally won a voluntary quit with unemployment. I collected for 6 months clerical salary. I lost thousands of dollars for which I will never be reimbursed, I couldn’t find a lawyer to help me at all. I contacted several. If you think business is tough and full of bullies – you ought to work for Doctors. Try that one. I am now at a medical practice in Sarasota Fl. I barely make ends meet but my life has finally changed 5 years later. Keep going, it sucks but it will improve.
Dear Cheryl:
Thanks for sharing your story in your excellent, well-written blog.
I have had a series of jobs where I was targeted. I must have a bullseye on my forehead. I think targets send out “signals” that bullies pick up on. I gained a lot of insight and hope through the workplacebullying.org site and book.
My last job was the worst. I worked for the HR Director from Hell. I became a clock watcher and tried to make it through every hour without running out of the building screaming. After consulting an attorney, I filed age discrimination charges, an ADA request for accommodation, and a whistleblower’s complaint. I settled with a transfer to another job, and I thought I was safe.
However, the transfer put me back on probationary status. Five months later, The Witch made up an incident and fired me. I was totally caught by surprise and had to pack up my belongings in 45 minutes. I did not have time to copy any evidence or examples of my work.
I lost a lot including my peace of mind, 25-year career, and $33,000 in leave. I am trying to look at it as a blessing, that she got me out of that Hell-hole WITH Unemployment Compensation. Unfortunately, I do not have enough evidence to support retaliation charges and I wouldn’t ask anyone currently working there to testify for me, even if they volunteered.
I have been out of work for three months now. I have had a few interviews and have accomplished a lot around the house. I am lucky to have a supportive spouse.
Next week I have a second interview for a job I may actually get. What scares me is that I have heard a lot of negatives about the boss. If offered, I will probably accept it just to get back in the door.
Lessons learned:
* Continue looking for a job. Don’t assume this is The One.
* If bullying starts, keep documentation.
* Make copies and keep offsite.
* Don’t take things so seriously or let the bully get to me.
I was previously diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have been in the Adult Childern of Alcoholics recovery program for many years. I still do not feel relaxed. I would like to know more about recovering from bullying, preventing it from happening again, and chronic PTSD.
Take care,
K.
Dear K,
I wish you much success in any upcoming position you may begin. You have learned through this bullying experience how very important it is to protect yourself and your health; you have taken the important step to move forward in a new endeavor.
It may take time to adjust to your lifestyle changes and you have realized the importance of trying to limit exposure to triggers of PTSD. I find I must pace myself, avoid conditions that may trigger an episode of PTSD symptoms such as feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I am drawn to quiet environments more than crowded or loud ones and I do not push myself to do things outside of my comfort zone as my body has setup defense mechanisms as a form of protection from reoccurences of previous traumas. I take one day at a time and try not to overschedule myself or expect too much to be done in one day.
Day by day, I continue my path to wellness. I wish you continued success in your endeavors as well.
Sincerely,
Cheryl