No Sisterhood At Work
'You tend to expect women to have more empathy'
'You tend to expect women to have more empathy'
By Alexandra Lopez-Pacheco
Financial Post/National Post - Canada
August 20, 2008
For years, Lynda Cuddy worked in fear of another woman -- her manager. There was a lot of shouting that included being summoned with, "Get over here right now!" If she challenged the treatment, the manager would be livid, accusing her of insubordination. "She'd cut me off whenever I was talking. Anything I had to say had no value. The micromanagement was unbelievable; everything you do is not good enough."
A dedicated worker, Ms. Cuddy pushed herself to be even more motivated, more proactive and do an even better job. But her manager only treated her worse.
A strong and confident professional, Ms. Cuddy began to succumb to the stress and fear. Although part of her job was to prioritize tasks according to their importance to the company, she began to do whatever her manager put on her desk first, no matter how small or non-urgent, just to avoid the manager's wrath. Eventually, Ms. Cuddy was forced to seek counselling.
Workplace bullying has been described as a silent epidemic, a form of psychological violence that falls through the cracks in the checks and balances put in place to protect workers' rights. Change is coming slowly -- anti-workplace bullying legislation was inacted in in Quebec in 2004, in Saskatchewan last year, and in Ontario new legislation is being considered.
While a number of women bullied by male bosses have successfully sued in recent years, woman-to-woman bullying is perceived by many as a "personality" issue.
Workplace bullying is, according to a survey conducted for The Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) in the United States, four times more prevalent than illegal forms of harassment, with about 37% of workers saying they have been bullied. Most people associate bullying with the patriarchal male boss of the past. Research shows women bully less in the workplace than men, but unlike men, who have no significant gender bias when it comes to their targets, in more than 70% of the cases, their target is another woman.
For Ms. Cuddy, a single mom who needed her job, the fact the person bullying her was another woman made it all the worse. "You tend to expect women to have more empathy and compassion, but she didn't have it. And when she seemed to, it wasn't genuine," she says.
In fact, the "compassion" was likely nothing more than her fishing for personal information to identify Ms. Cuddy's vulnerabilities.
This is a typical tactic used by bullies, who often start by playing the person's best friend, says Karen Learmonth, co-founder of the Vancouverbased campaign No Bully for Me, "They want to know how badly you need this job, for example," she says.
"[Women] have this idea that there is a sort of a sisterhood and we would hope that other women in the workplace would support us, so when instead we are bullied by them, it impacts us differently than when it's coming from a male," says Cheryl Dellasega, author of Mean Girls Grown Up, a book on female relational aggression, which is that type of covert aggression favoured by female bullies, including everything from gossip and lies, to isolation, backstabbing and put-downs or betrayals.
The effects can be devastating, from crushed self-esteem to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety and depression, to destroyed careers and even broken relationships -- quite often because the target doesn't even realize bullying is taking place until they've endured daily psychological abuse and sabotage in their work for years.
The most recognizable type of bullying is the kind Ms. Cuddy experienced but the most common, the experts say, is done behind closed doors. "The target often doesn't even know they've been singled out until it's too late," says Dr. Gary Namie, co-founder of WBI.
"When everyone else gets the holidays, and you always have to work; when you're singled out in being denied the resources you need to do your job; when there's an unequal distribution of tools and rewards and recognition that is capricious and arbitrary," he says.
All bullies "have a strong need to control another person," Dr. Namie says. Women are more likely to use relational aggression, and work on disrupting the target's standing in the social group -- from co-workers to management.
Often they will use little insulting jokes and putdowns, the cold shoulder, those subtle but degrading comments and deliberate humiliation, all designed to eat away at the person's self-esteem.
And all the while, behind the scenes, they set out to make the target appear incompetent, spread rumours to management and co-workers -- and some, says Ms. Learmonth, will do straight sabotage, including stealing their target's files so the person can't meet an important deadline, for example.
Employers should take note: Ms. Cuddy, as so many targets of bullying, was committed to doing the best job possible for her company. Bullies, on the other hand, have no qualms about undermining the employer's best interest in order to succeed in their bullying.
Contrary to popular perception, the most likely target of workplace bullying is not someone who is insecure and easily pushed around.
According to the late workplace-bullying expert, Tim Field, some of the reasons people are targeted include being competent and popular, showing independence of thought, a strong sense of reasonableness and fair play and a determination to resolve conflict with dialogue, honesty and integrity. And yet in 77% of cases, according to WBI, it is the targets who end up losing their jobs, not the bullies who will go on to bully. Like most targets, Ms. Cuddy was hesitant about speaking out. That old sick feeling in her stomach returns, she says.
"If more people who have been bullied stand up and be counted, it might make a difference," says Ms. Cuddy, who is active in CUPE BC's campaign against workplace bullying and violence.
But the experts say until there is effective legislation across the country and as much dedication on the part of employers to stamp out bullying as there has been to end sexual harassment, there is very little a target of bullying can do to stop it.
BULLY-PROOF TIPS:
STOP BEING A TARGET - Document and log everything -- gather facts. - Get it in writing. E-mails are better than voice mail. Avoid communicating with the bully when there is no witness. - For behind the closed-door bullying -- do some detective work. Talk to co-workers, author Cheryl Dellasega says. Try to gather as many specifics as possible as to what's been said. - Be professional and calm in all communication with the bully, human resources or management. Stick to the facts, present a business case of the cost of the bullying to the employer. - Know your rights -- does your employer have a policy for dealing with bullying?
FOR SOUND MENTAL HEALTH - Learn how to use simple questions to turn insults, putdowns and deceit around on the bully, Karen Learmonth, of No Bully For Me, says. Be very assertive, but not aggressive. - Strengthen your support network and more importantly, your self-esteem and self-confidence. "If you have enough confidence in your own abilities then the behaviour of others doesn't shape how you feel about yourself," Ms. Dellasega says. - Look for another job. Your mental health and sanity, say the experts, is worth more than any job. "I've seen people fight and fight, so concerned about the injustice and not wanting to give up. The stress causes havoc on their physical and mental health," Ms. Learmonth says.
